Smiling on the Inside

Hello, ladies. Well, today brings with it, along with cold temperatures and bright sunshine, a BFN.

So sad.  So, so sad.

I am sitting in my jammies right now, watching The Proposal for the um-teenth time.  I just ate all I could hold of chicken tenders and fries and Russ*ll Stovers individually packed chocolate hearts.

And I feel rotten, just rotten.

My coworkers switched shifts with me today, to allow me to work less and get to come home once I found out the (hopefully good) news.  I'm a pharmacist, and I'm really blessed to have their understanding.

I'd love to be smiling on the inside right now - and I'd really love to just be happy.  To have my dreams come true, just this once, just this time.

We've had 4 embryo transfers over the years, and if you count the 2 times I conceived naturally, I've carried 11 embryos in my womb over the years.

And not one take-home baby.  Jesus, thank you for being by my side when I don't understand.  I just can't understand the pain, the sadness.......... the incredible delay of my hopes.

Love you all.

Alone

Today was FET #2.  They thawed our last 4 embryos, with 3 making it to transfer.  Two are grade 2's and one is a blast. All I know is - I have prayed and prayed about all of this.

In all likelihood, barring of course God intervening, this is our last chance to have a biological child.  I don't know.  I just gave it all I had by giving it all to God.

Beta is February 11.