Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Giving Up

I have so been having those days where I don't want to get out of bed. At work, as a pharmacist, we are giving flu shots. This is my first year to give them. It's amazing how those fertility shots helped me out there! If I can give shots to myself, I can surely inflict pain on someone else.

God has really helped me. I have been anti-social to say the least for this last while, and even the minor 'socializing' required to administer a flu shot was proving daunting. God said gently 'don't think about it so much'. We are 'required' to administer the shot as a regular prescription, meaning we put it in line to fill like a regular prescription. With grief rearing its ugly head, I was not happy at this prospect. But it's gone ok.

I even gave my first shot to a pregnant woman last night.

Satan, 0. God and me, 1.

I woke up at 4 am this morning. Another thing that's been happening some. It may be the pregnancy hormones going out of my system, and my lovely body returning to its apparently already off-kilter self. Yeah, the self-loathing is trying to come back. I know better, but I don't feel better, ya know?

We went to a craft fair on Sunday. Fun. I used to love those SO much, even planning for months in advance to drive to one 2 hours away. No more. Infertility drained not only my bank account, but my joy, I'm sad to say. I used to buy Christmas decor and ornaments starting in July, and I looked forward to decorating as soon as I could. It's so hard decorating for Christmas now (so I don't). Thanksgiving has a very different meaning to me now, and it all begins with Halloween/fall. I always wanted a little sweet pea, complete with the pumpkin costume with the lid of the pumpkin as a hat. So precious. It just won't be fall without my little pumpkin.

I miss having a lil' pumpkin in my life, in my arms, so so much.

So, what did I buy at the craft fair, you ask? A lovely dichroic glass pendant, with pink and green and swirls hung on a pink crystal chain. I wore it out of the booth just to make myself smile. One day I'll learn how to add photos to this blog. ;) Anyway, I also got a pearl pendant and 2 hair holder thingies made out of piano wire with beads on them. They are called Flexi8. I learned my hair is thinner than I remember, but hey, at least I have a new way to put it up.

It meant alot to me that DH came with me to the craft fair, and walked around, and wrote checks and didn't complain. I needed that. And even more, I needed someone to be with me and let me forget that I am experiencing infertility. Sometimes, God comes our way at a craft fair.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Not Any Closer

Hello, friends. Well, I'm not any closer to being a mom today.

In literal days, I suppose I am. Am I the only one who has trouble falling asleep at night for thinking, I can't sleep, I don't have my baby yet? Amazing how this illogical thought can propel me to the heights of pain on any given night.

Our adoption agency in Texas has had a few 'issues' with our paperwork, the latest of which is they cannot log onto a website to confirm my employment, as that website requires a subscription, and the subscription costs - money. Well, I am sorry folks, but some of that 'agency fee' we gave you can be used for that. If my W-2s aren't enough - KWIM?? Sorry guys, my patience is running a little thin. I know you didn't intend to spend some of the $10,000 plus we gave you on my employment verification, but guess what? You have the money now!

Ok, I'll try to be nicer the rest of this post.


We went to the botanical garden last Saturday, and it was the most beautiful day. Blue sky - the most lovely shade of pure blue. Not a cloud. Warm, but stopping just shy of being too hot. I should've known - people bring their children to the garden when it's like this! I was literally physically aching by the time we left, there were so many strollers (that I dare not look inside), wagons, Little Tik_es cars, pregnant bellies.

I am delighted to see it - the life, the progress, the potential lived up to - for each person. I really am. I would like to see that for myself, in OUR lives.

What finally got me was when DH stopped to hold a door for all the children. A dad was walking past holding his little daughter (I can't tell how old a child is just by looking - a reality of infertility - but she looked less than 2). 'Don't look, don't look' I told myself. But so many little ones had passed me by that day, and I glanced at her. Daddy was cooing at her, saying something sweet, and she had the happiest open-mouthed grin as she was carried by.

On the way out to the parking lot, I lost it.

Sobbing. Boo-hooing. All my brave front, ruined. A messy, loud cry.

Back in our hot SUV - the irony is we have had this SUV for over 7 years now, with no children to ride in it - I sobbed and tried to talk. All DH could say was we would never come to the garden on such a beautiful day ever again.

I cried louder.

The loneliness of infertility is exhausting. All of your energy is often spent insulating yourself from the pain. It finds you anyway. When you dare to be human. Which is a very brave thing for the grieving.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Believing It

Ok, friends, so it's been awhile.

And we had another miscarriage since I last wrote.

Not to get all into it - because I am so sad that talking about it just breaks my heart.

I don't mean to exclude you from all this, but it is our 3rd miscarriage in a row.

We were not even 'trying'. Now of course, like any infertile, I am perpetually trying. I just mean we weren't cycling, and we sure as hell weren't prepared for this.

So, I've been SO tired. I am having trouble concentrating at work. My therapist plans to keep an eye on me. I already take an antidepressant, but I was taking two medicines until I became pregnant the last time. I tapered off one of the meds and I hope I can keep it that way.

My relationship with God is tanked. I know He will be there, and I know He is a good God. I do not feel it at all right now.

So, I'm just not f'ing believing it.

That this happened again.