Thursday, March 29, 2012


Hey, all.  It's a beautiful day outside, but I'm having a 'down' day today.  A friend confided in me about her fiance's anger problem, and it brought up a whole barrage of feelings about my dad.  I know, I haven't gone into much detail here about that, and I'm not able to at this time, but.... I grew up with a dad with anger issues.  I don't think anyone finds it easy to live with someone who has anger issues, but with my personality, I've since learned it was especially damaging.  So, it brings me down a lot to know that someone I care about is in this same position.  And she's putting her future children at risk also.

The lifestyle change is still on!!  I'm on phase 3 now, and I'm right at an 18 pound weight loss total.  The best part about all of this is my body has changed so much.  I recently had to go through my pants for summer and had to give away all but 3 pair!  Some I could take off without even unzipping, they were so big.  DH is enjoying my newfound confidence, and I am learning that I really am stronger than I thought I was.  Both physically, mentally and spiritually.

I also bought 2 exercise bras.  This sounds like no big deal, but 'the girls' are quite an issue for me.  I'm a 36DD-DDD, having recently gotten fitted at a local S*ma Intimates store.  I highly recommend S*ma - the lady was patient with me and really helped me find my right size.  And as we all know ladies, a great fitting bra is a fine, fine thing!! :)

The exercise bras are from Moving C*mfort, a website I learned about on a runners' forum.  I feel so confident in these bras.  I don't have to worry about the girls slipping out when I do downward dog (a yoga pose) and, I don't give the guys as much to drool over when I'm out walking around our local lake. ;)

I have about 2 weeks left on phase 3, then I move into the 7-day shred.  This time is designed to help you lose the last 5 pounds you desire.  I have some tweaking to do, as I ideally want to lose 10 more pounds.  That may or may not be possible, but I've seen the way I've been able to tone my body already, so I'm giving it a go.

I also have really enjoyed watching DH get inspired and since lose over 25 pounds himself.  Wow!  That was an unexpected benefit.  His most recent blood work at the doctor revealed his triglycerides to be 139, down from 411 less than a year ago!!  I am just blown away!  Thank you, Lord.  His triglycerides really concerned me before (goal is < 200), and we had tried management with medication, but DH didn't like how the medicine made him feel, so he wouldn't take it.  Never did I imagine that his healthier eating would THAT drastically change his health.  And that I would have a part in that!  With no nagging required!

Spring is still just a hard, hard time.  I thought this year would be different, with a baby boy to dress in an adorable outfit and take to have his picture made.  I would send out pictures to everyone I know, whether they cared or not.  I still haven't opened the nursery door.  We did go in there - together, I made sure - to loan our swing to a couple taking care of a foster baby, but then the door was immediately closed again.  It looks like a car wreck in there, with dreams and plans and love scattered and smashed all around.

We have no news from the adoption agency.  DH finally emailed our social worker, just to let her know we were still here.  She said I know it's easy for me to say, but your story touches people, so hang in there.  Sigh.  We most definitely don't understand God's timing, but I am learning - at a daily, even hourly pace - how to trust God.  Trust doesn't come easily for me, due to my upbringing.  It's been a long road of learning how to trust the Lord.  But He is patient and loving - He knows our hearts.  He knows when we want to trust Him, but just cannot do it.  And so, I ask him to help me.  Like the man who brought his son to Jesus due to a spirit causing him to have seizures, I say to the Lord 'I believe, help my unbelief' Mark 9:24.

Oh, ladies, I wish life was different - easier.  Somehow, some way, we are making a difference for eternity.  God is working through each of us and our circumstances, to make a lasting impression on the world for Him.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

He Loves Me

Oh, ladies - how are all of you?  Well, I'm good, considering.... but if I'm honest, I'd say I'm mostly really sad.  It's almost spring, and while this really should be a good thing, I find myself hating spring every year. Of course, I told myself, this year it will be different, when we thought we were adopting Isaac.  However, here we are yet AGAIN.  It makes me really, really angry.

The lifestyle change is still on, I'm glad to say.  The weight loss has hit a plateau, which is to be expected.  However, I have been making it through Phase 2 of the exercises ok.  They are quite difficult, especially the Kardio, but I just hang in there and give it my best.  We even went out of town last weekend and I got up before 7am on a Saturday to work out before we left!!  This is huge, huge, HUGE for me, y'all!  I'm not a morning person, much less on a Saturday.  But it was important to me, and I've been putting myself first lately, something new for me.

I've got both 5 pound and 8 pound weights to do the exercises.  I find myself trying to push myself a little too hard with the 8 pound ones, and I pulled a muscle in my scapula last week.  So, I've had to back off a bit until I get a little stronger.  They say in the exercise DVD that we can use up to 15 pound weights!  Wow!  I'd love to be that strong, but I'm just taking it a day at a time.  Which is SO not my style.  I'd rather rush, get through to strong, and be done with it.

Which reminds me of how I handle heartbreak.  Which is what a failed adoption really is.  Not to mention infertility and miscarriage.  I'd much rather face it, rush through it, get it over with, get all angry and really, really cry, and then be done with it.  God however, apparently has a different idea.  He loves me so much, I know He does.  But.... I wish He would just let this pain be over.  Just let it be through.  But it keeps lingering.  I know you can't rush grief.  But can You, please Lord, please rush joy to me?  Could You please put a rush on some JOY down here?

Instead, I find the tears cropping up at the most inopportune times.  Like just before work.  Or at bedtime when some sleep would be nice.  Or at church.  I feel like I've got my mind off of it ok, and I'm feeling pretty good about myself, but then something happens to remind me that I don't have anyone to call me "mommy".  And it hurts so much.  Or I see families together, or just anything really, that isn't just a couple walking around.  And I think, what have I done, or not done, God?  Why not us?

It's at these times that I say to God "it hurts so much, it's like I can't breathe" Psalm 42:6.  He has given me the image of an oxygen mask fitting over my nose - that He is my oxygen mask, giving me each breath.  That way, it's not up to me.  I don't have to find the strength, or the 'want to'.  Believe me, I'd much rather not be feeling any of this, but apparently, He wants me to let Him breathe for me.

And just about by that time, I realize how much He loves me.  He gives me each breath, and He holds me up and carries me through.  When I'd SO much rather it just all be over with.  Why I have to go through this, I cannot say.  It's a mystery.  But I do love how much He loves me.