Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Rested Up

Hello, all.  I am one tired girl today.  One of my coworkers had to have emergency GI surgery and is out for the next 2 weeks.  And I'm training a new pharmacist, who just happens to be the husband of another coworker.  And he's difficult to work with.  Oh well, it's a job.  Sigh.

In other news, the birth mother did not pick us.

That sucks.

So, that's about it.  I'm just tired and disappointed. Big time.  Huge time.

Here we wait, with open arms.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Sprung Out

I'm not sprung out, but maybe I am strung out.

Spring is dicey for those of us experiencing infertility.  On the one hand, it's lovely outside.  You can sit outside and not even notice it, only the fresh smell on your clothes when you come back inside.  You can eat outside, and your food tastes even better.  Cherry blossoms, tulips and spring grass add much needed color to the out of doors.

And then there's the downside.  I don't have to tell you about that.

So, I won't.

But it's getting me down.  Really down.

Each year, spring does this, the dichotomy.  This year, it's different because we've used the last of our embryos, and we're not planning to try to have a biological child anymore.  The money tree is gone (like we had one).  I am so down about not being able to have a biological child, I can hardly stand to be in my own skin.  The discontentment is palpable.  It keeps me awake at night.  It holds me down in bed in the morning, and it rakes away my joy beyond that of just a few minutes.

I know, I shouldn't let it do that.

And I'm trying not to allow it to do so, but my grief is just massive.  At this time of year, with new life surrounding us outside, not to mention in many uteri, I am down, people.  So down.

I love y'all and I want to say thank you for reading this.  I need to know you're out there, and it really helps that you are.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Out in the Cold

Today is a moderately cool, but almost cold in the shade, kind of sunny day.  It is spring break here for the kiddos, and while my work week changeth not, since DH is an orthodontist, he is closed today.  I say closed but he is still seeing patients.  We did have lunch together today.  We went to our favorite Mexican place.  This is no small deal.

I love to eat at this restaurant.  It has a rustic San Antonio type of feel.  We lived in San Antonio for almost 3 years for DH to do his residency.  Although it wasn't my favorite place - it's all in what you're used to, I think - I have a special fondness for it.  And as you may not know, our adoption agency is there.  We have some residency friends who adopted with this agency, and after we visited with the social worker who would work our case, we decided to sign up with them.

Anytime we eat at this restaurant, I think about San Antonio, how DH was born there (another piece of new news), how our agency is there, and most importantly, that our child will live there for the first 9 months of his or her life. Ok, womb life, but still - life.

And now I come to a piece of news.  Minor, tiny, really not news.  We have been shown to our first birth mother.  We got an email about a week ago, asking would be interested in this case?  We looked it over and said sure.  It's not that I don't trust you, but I am not giving details at this time due to fear. At least I'm honest.

She isn't due until September (ok, one detail), so matching this early would actually increase the likelihood of this falling through.  We know that our photo book and Dear Birth Mother letter were shown to her, BUT WE HAVE HEARD NOTHING.  In a way, I'm glad we have heard nothing.  That could mean the birth mother (I don't even know her name) is thinking things over very carefully, taking her time, beginning to grieve, praying. And then is picking us. Or it could mean, she didn't pick us. Or it could mean......... thousands of things literally.

I am praying so much, dear friends.  One day, we will have our child in our arms.  If not this one, another child.  Please dear Lord, let it be as soon as You can.  (clearing throat) well, as soon as You desire.

Please join me in praying.