Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Broken Yet Again

You know, adoption is not for the faint of heart.  I already knew that, but today was yet another example of that.  My social worker in San Antonio called out of the blue today while I was driving, telling me of a case.  I had no idea it wouldn't work out.

I am just SO sad right now.

There was a baby girl born last night, a few minutes before midnight.  Her birthmother had been in contact with the adoption agency about placement.  The birthmom is involved in a court case with the birthfather.  She says he raped her.  I have no idea if this child was conceived then, but it's likely I suppose.

Our social worker was on the way to the hospital with the paperwork when she called me.  She said she called because there was a special situation - the birthmother had requested phone contact after placement.  I then told her about the information we found out about the LAST birthmother on FB, and how I was just a little 'birthmother shy' at the moment.  But I told her, yes, I was willing to try phone contact if our personalities jelled.  She said ok, that's why she had called.

Apparently the birthmother decided to parent before she could get to the hospital.  It appears the birthmother was out of the San Antonio area if the social worker had to drive so far.

Why, God, why?

I only had 3 hours to think about all this, but DH and I have a policy: we let people know, a little at a time, when ANY development happens in the adoption arena in our lives.  We need the support.  It's really painful (so far), and no matter what happens, we need the prayers.  So we had called our parents, a few friends.  I HATE this all so much.  I hate hurting the people I love.  I was the one who had to call DH and tell him the birthmother had changed her mind.  I was SO angry that I had to do that.  The disappointment in his voice was devastating to hear.  We had eaten lunch together at his office and prayed about all of this.  He had emailed his mens' Bible study group to request prayer.  He had gotten emotional about how this could be how God is working this all out for good.

I am SO glad I was off work today.  It just so happens my boss had called about something else today, and I felt impressed upon to tell him about this possibility since I have to work tomorrow.  I was SO ready to call and tell him it was official.  Well, no news means I don't need someone to cover my shift.  I HATE all this - absolutely hate it.

I was SO hoping this was the 'reward' we had been longing for - a daughter.  It's interesting - I had a name ready to go.  I won't use it now, since I used it for this baby girl.  I had been exercising one day, and the name Lily Rose had come to mind.  DH liked it too, and it was our new 'go-to' name.  When you don't know when you could get a call or what sex the baby could be, having a name in the works is a good idea.  I actually thought it was a download from God.  Sigh.  So, so sad.

If this had worked out, I literally would have been on a plane tomorrow.  So we had a lot to work through.  When your heart has been hurt for so long, you're very protective of it.  At the same time, you're just so ready for all the pain to be OVER that you see any development as hope for relief.  I SO had hope for relief this time.  It was all over me.  I was SO ready to tell the world we have a daughter.  Our Lily Rose.

We worked in the nursery last Sunday at church.  Back when we first volunteered last September, I really felt God leading me (us) to work there.  However as time as gone by, I've since felt God leading me specifically away from that.  I get so emotional before we go, I have trouble sleeping the night before, and I am worn out when we leave.  Even DH is worn out when we leave, but that's more because he doesn't have that nurturing bent that we as women do.

This week went so well - I felt confident showing care to the baby girl and boy that I helped with.  So I looked at that today and thought 'wow, this is God wanting me to have that confidence before I fly across the country to get our daughter'.  But, alas it was not to be.  So, so sad.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Still In It

Hello, all.  It's been a tough few days.  I can't quite pinpoint it, but I've been in a funk.  Nothing new, I suppose, but you know how you just get tired of BEING TIRED?  You get tired of BEING SAD?  Yet, it's the journey I'm on. I believe God will reveal Himself to me on it, and that will be worth it all. But I'm not there yet.  Oh, how I long to be there!

For those of you who have gone through this: does having a child in your life ease the pain of your infertility, miscarriages or failed adoptions? Or is the pain of each of those, so deep and different for each of us, still just as strong? I have a friend for whom the pain is just as real. Since I haven't made it to "the other side" yet, I am curious about your takes on this.

I have to be careful not to tell myself that very thing: that when a child joins our family, my pain will lessen. Of course, God can heal and does heal in mysterious ways and not so mysterious ways. But it's tricky interpreting for Him. The ways He orchestrates healing in my life may look nothing like the way in which He does that in yours.

Oh, Lord, please send a word to Your daughter. Send a word of Your encouragement, a word of Your favor. Most of all, Lord, send a word of Yourself. Refresh me, renew me. Do that which only You can do.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Just Sad

I'm going home this weekend, and it always makes me sad.  I've had a challenging relationship with my parents, but that's not the only reason.  I hate that I'm not taking my son or daughter with me.  I feel like a failure.  A lie to be sure, from the evil one, yet it's how I feel.

There's a mexican restaurant here in our town that I used to love to go to.  The food is still wonderful; it's still a place to people-watch.  We ate there tonight.  As luck would have it, during the course of our dinner, 2 different families with 2 precious children each sat next to us.  At one point, a little girl with the slightest wisp of hair turned around with the biggest grin.  I smiled at her and waved and told DH "you have a little friend," and he turned around to see her.  My eyes filled with tears.  Oh, to have a face like that greeting me, thinking of me as mommy.  Before losing Isaac, the homey atmosphere and Hispanic influences would comfort me, reminding me of where our son or daughter was coming from.  Our adoption agency is in San Antonio, and especially once we got matched, it was my favorite place to eat.

Since I've made a lifestyle change, I now eat the chicken fajita salad instead of the enchilada dinner.  I now typically don't eat the chips and salsa, though I had a few tonight.  And I no longer take comfort there.  It's simply a good place to eat, and like everything lately, it reminds me of what is lost.

Sorry, ladies, I'm down tonight.  It's been a beautiful week, and I miss my children.  We lost 3 babies to miscarriage, and recently Isaac to a failed adoption.  I just don't get it.  So I'm not going to try to get it.  Lord, help me to trust in You, in the Person You are, instead of in my circumstances.

I also recently saw the movie The Descendants, with George Clooney.  It was good, although the language was a little tough, especially since a lot of it was coming from the mouth of a 17 year old.  It is the story of a family dealing with the coma of their wife/mother, and they live in Hawaii.  The scenery is breathtaking, the music lovely.  I had to buy the soundtrack.  It comforts me - just remembering the story of the losses this family experiences.  Yet they work through a lot of pain, and remain together.  It's a beautiful story in that way.  Somehow, watching it made me feel less alone.  I recommend it for adults or teenagers.

The Descendants Movie Trailer

I do miss the absolute avoidance of any mention of faith or God, or Jesus.  No one in my opinion can be as strong as George Clooney's character without Him.  It's Hollywood, so I guess we expect that.  For those of us who have been there, whether through loss, grief or abuse - we know.  We know just how difficult life can really be.  I enjoyed this story in spite of its flaws.  It illustrates the path of grief beautifully.

Sunday, April 1, 2012


Ladies, well, I looked up the old birthmother on Face*book.  Why, you might ask and how did you know how to find her?  Well, the adoption process is supposed to be de-identified, meaning you do not know the last name of the birthmother and the city she lives in, etc and neither does she know these things about you.  While we were matched, the social worker printed some pics of the BM's other 3 kids from MyS&pace.  So, when it all fell through, due to knowing the city where she lived and having met her, I recognized her on a search I did of MyS&pace.  And I got the brilliant idea of looking for her, and subsequently finding her, on FB.

The result was NOT pretty.  Isaac was born on December 19, a Monday, before we even left town here to pick him up on Wednesday the 21st.  I found this in a post on the birthfather's - who is in jail - FB page.  Apparently the issue of whether incarcerated people should be allowed to use social media is a topic that is up for debate at this time, and so when the topic came up on our local news, I voted 'NO' in our local newscast's poll, little knowing just how close to home the topic really was.  Next up, was the pics of BM with the BF's other son, Scott*, in November 2011, which completely blows out of the water the fact that she told us she didn't even know the BF's last name, where he lived, why he was in jail, etc, etc, etc.  She even told the social worker after we met that day in October 2011 that our meeting went fine, all except the part when we asked about the BF, because she felt uncomfortable (we thought due to their broken relationship) answering those questions.  I now know why she f'in felt so uncomfortable.  It's called LYING.

She married BF on Feb. 25.  That is interesting.  Not sure what it really means, because upon subsequent perusal of her friends on FB, we discovered who one of her other children's dads is - and that he frequently posts comments on his own drug use.  He scarcely admits to having this child, and the child was diagnosed with a form of autism while we were matched.  The best we can tell, BM is living with BF's mom, but that is not mentioned.  We saw tons of pics of Isaac (Drake).  He looks good, but I hate the fact that his mommy is playing house, and when she gets tired of it, he's just going to be dropped off at a relative's house for care, instead of being placed through adoption into a home where he will be cared for.  Last we heard, BM's mom was caring for all 3 of her other kids (from at least 2 other dads, from what we can tell).

I am really, really angry at her right now.  It was no accident that we had the Lord's Supper today in church.  And one of the requirements to partaking is, in addition to being a Christian, to forgive anyone against whom you have a grudge.  Um, yeah.  Hand's up, that's me, having a grudge against BM.  The quiet of the sanctuary made it possible to lay down my anger.  It's as though God was right there, taking the anger from me as naturally as if I were handing Him a glass of water.  But now that I'm back home, and it's a Sunday - always the hardest day of the week since I see it as family day, and it's only DH and me - and the house is quiet, and we have no love of a child to share and no experience parenting a child and watching him or her grow and change - and I get angry all over again.

I'm not a physical fight kind of person, but I find myself wanting to physically hurt BM.  Not pretty, not good.

Well, there it is, laid out in all its ugliness.  Wow.  It's a good thing God knows what He's doing. Because I have no idea.

*not his real name