Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Trash Lessons

Well, friends, something I'm not is... oblivious.

But it would be good if I could be, experiencing infertility and all.

Sorry if I sound sarcastic, but it's been a sad holiday. I'm 35, and have no kiddos to buy for on Christmas. However, I do have the greatest gift of all - Jesus. I have Him in my life every day - praise His name forever - so I don't need Christmas day set aside to celebrate Him. That's my feeling about it.

Anywho, today was trash day in our neighborhood. Our own trash bin was full until it was partially open. However, upon looking at our neighbor's bins - an obvious no-no if you're experiencing infertility - I noticed a discrepancy.

Large, colorful trash bags in red, blue and yellow filled one bin, complete with several large boxes outside. Another had wooden sticks and many white bags in addition to boxes announcing their now-removed contents. Even trash is different for the fertile.

Empty boxes that once held kids' toys pack the trash truck as it pulls away. Even the little things say alot to those of us experiencing loss.

So, my friends, there is 'fertile' trash and 'infertile' trash. Unless we're talking the potential for rotting, in which case all things are equal.

I surely hope 2010 is better than 2009. You can read our experiences on the side, so I'll focus on the good. I have Jesus as my savior, a loyal hubby and 2 sweet cats. I have food and a roof over my head. We have 2 cars that work. So in God's economy, we are blessed.

We each have needs, however. I will keep on giving them to my Lord, who is accomplishing His purposes through my needs. Dear Lord, have mercy on me, and rescue me from the pit. I know You are good - forever and ever.

Friday, December 11, 2009

A Little Tree

It's been awhile since I've posted... partly because I've been somewhat busy (somewhat meaning I don't have the social obligations associated with CHILDREN during this Christmas season) and partly because I don't feel very good during this time of the year.

I'll start with the good. We went on a cruise. We had promised ourselves that if IVF #2 didn't work, believing of course that it WOULD, we would go on a cruise. Before you get all excited for us, let me tell you that yes, we were blessed to be able to go. We did, however, encounter tropical storm Ida waters, which put my motion sickness patch into overtime mode and woke us up at 3am from moving in our bed! I 'poisoned' myself from my patch by scratching it (must've been itching me), then taking a nap (lucky I could do that mid-day) and then yes, rubbing my eyes upon awakening, forgetting I had scratched the patch! I'm a pharmacist, so I was kicking myself for the next 4 days as my dilated pupils made putting on eyeliner and reading im-pos-ib-le!

We went to the Eastern Caribbean - St. Thomas, St. Maarten, the Bahamas, and Grand Turk in the Turk and Cacos islands. It was the second week of November, and still very hot. The water was so blue - once you see it, you won't ever forget it. My main goal was to lay out and try to tan my very fair skin. I succeeded, and didn't burn too much, which is a miracle in itself. Plus, I LOVE people-watching. Cruises are perfect for that. There were alot of older people on our cruise, few children (the goal) and some people our age. Over 3,000 people - so lots to see.

We both became very sick about 2 days after returning. I looked it up, and we had post-cruise sickness. There's a fancy name for it, but I don't remember it. We both had raging headaches, couldn't concentrate and were very fatigued. It basically is just your body trying to return to the feel of solid ground, since it accommodates for the ocean's movement for you. And I could feel the 'motion of the ocean' for about a week afterward.

I believe God was trying to tell us: yes, life is very painful for you both right now, but even on a cruise, life can be less than perfect. It helped me with the inevitable 'crash' back into our life. Especially with the Christmas season upon us.

As I was walking out of church one evening, God spoke to me. 'Even though you aren't putting up a Christmas tree (we haven't in 3 years; more on that later), you can create one to Me in your heart'. Tears filled my eyes, and I thought, why God, why, can't I just be like everybody else, and not have a reason to not put up a tree? For me, this was a HUGE deal, but I decided, I'm doing it. I'm praising Jesus with my own Little Tree.

So friends, my tree has pink and purple branches. It has multiple praise ornaments, praising Jesus for coming to us, praising Him for dying for us, for forgiving our sins, for raising from the dead and being alive, for being with us and never leaving or forsaking us. I love aurora borealis colors - pastels in a full rainbow - so my ornaments are made of those beads and colors. And of course, I have ornaments to honor our children, Gracie and Aidan, who I believe are in Heaven waiting for us.

So my Little Tree sits, not in a window, not where anyone can see it, but only where I can see it; and now, you can, too. I am experiencing why it matters SO much the reason we put up a tree. It isn't so we can see it when we pull up in our driveway, so we know the neighbors can see it, because our children want a tree or because our family is coming over.

I need to put up a tree in my heart - to honor what matters most in my life, my relationship with Jesus. He is Who is keeping me, Who opens my door at night for me, and says, come inside, my daughter, to the home I provide for you. I do not understand that home, that home with empty rooms and quiet hallways, though I DO love quiet (and children are most definitely not quiet). I do not understand the long wait, long waits through many Christmases.

The worst day of my life was December 12, 2006. I have mentioned before about our first miscarriage, and this was the day that was supposed to be one of the happiest of our lives - the first ultrasound. Murray was with me (praise God for that) as the doctor choked back tears telling us that the ultrasound was not normal. I had been SO sick with morning sickness, and I told myself, I can do this, if this is what it means to have a baby.

Our world came crashing down around us that day. I had a D&C 2 days before Christmas that year. It was the worst Christmas of our lives, followed unfortunately by 3 more now. As you can read on the side of this blog, we have been through alot since then. And still, no baby.

The anniversary of this day is tomorrow. I have to work, but fortunately, it is a half-day. But I will have to write the date on the prescriptions I take over the phone, and I know it will make me very sad. Working with the public is SO difficult this time of the year. They don't feel good, and they take it out on us. And I don't feel good, so it's a bad combination.

I can't say it very often, but I will say it to you - Merry Christmas, friends. It will get better for us - I know it.