Wednesday, September 16, 2009


When I was a youngster (whatever that means - heavens), periodically I would be invited to a church lock-in. This was a night at church spent playing games, going bowling, watching movies - basically anything to keep us up all night, while we were 'locked-in' at the church or with the church group. It was fun - it felt like breaking the rules, but was in the confines of the church and chaperones. A little mischief always went on... but it was nothing major at the ones I attended, anyway.

Today, my friends, I'm having my own Lock-In.

I work part-time as a pharmacist - a stressful job. I'm off on Wednesdays, and while I usually have my schedule pretty full - gym, wash clothes, take my car in, Wednesday night Bible study - today, I'm locking myself in.

Why, you ask? Well, I got another pregnancy announcement last night, thankfully via email. But it wasn't easy to receive.

My hubby called out from the next room, sweetie you better check your email. We both get emails from our Sunday school distribution, and he had already read it. As soon as I saw the sender, I knew. 'Oh, no - oh, man' I said. Let me say, these friends have been through a very bad situation - their first child passed away of anencephaly (lack of brain formation) a few minutes after birth, at around 20 weeks. This was maybe 7 or 8 months ago. So I am delighted to know that they are in this place, however terrifying it must be. They said the doctor wants to follow this pregnancy very closely. Understandable. And then an ultrasound was posted on Facebook.

I've officially banned myself from Facebook for as long as I can muster. And I did block their posts, I'm sad to say.

They are the "last couple": the one who, when they got pregnant, I was officially going to feel hopeless. I can think of only one other couple in our Sunday school class who isn't either pregnant, doesn't already have children or isn't adopting. And this is by choice. And then there's us.

My friends who announced their pregnancy - let's call them the King's - have patiently waited 'their turn.' Don't get me wrong. As unfair as having to wait for a turn really is. And we all know it is. But WE have waited - BEYOND our turn. And yet, nothing.

I'm not going to Bible study at church tonight. I just can't bear to be around people. I'm one of those people who gets energized by being in solace. So, here I am, posting to you all, watching America's Next Top Model reruns, and washing a few clothes because I'm a hopeless neat freak.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

A Good Person

Alas, my friends, Something I'm Not, especially these days is... a good person.

I don't FEEL like one, anyway.

I hate going to Sunday school.

And my hubby's birthday is tomorrow, and I'm angry as all getout. I want to give him a living child who can call him Daddy.

We have Care Groups in our Sunday school class. They are smaller groups where we share prayer requests. We used to have ones to add periodically - I'm beginning injections for this round of IVF, please pray for the egg retrieval, yes they are taking multiple eggs out of my ovaries, which is why I'm in such a good mood (not!) right now, pray for the embryo transfer, pregnancy test next week. We no longer have prayer requests that we can mention. Something along the lines of "Help! We're desperately broken! I cry myself to sleep. I can't sleep. I want to stop living..."

But I won't stop, because He won't stop. Jesus loves me so much, so I ask Him - breathe into me. I am nothing. But You are everything.

A few weeks ago, a couple in our care group announced their pregnancy. I should be praising God for them. Their story is incredible. They lost twin boys at 19 weeks gestation a few months ago to Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I was furious at God for them when this all happened, and our Sunday school class was floored. They cooked meals for them. We all lifted them up in prayer. Just wouldn't you know it, I was sitting next to her when she announced this subsequent pregnancy to the whole class, maybe 25 couples.

I tried to smile, and say how wonderful. But my face has always been more honest than I would prefer. I was crushed. Dear hubby said, we can't expect them to cater to us. This is true. But all I could think was, God this is how much You love them... and how much You don't love us.

Like I said, I'm not a good person.

In my heart, I want all the good things for them. But I can't touch what that might mean in my mind, lest I drop down into what is missing in my own life.

Another couple in our Care Group is adopting from China. They are there right now receiving their daughter. We hear continuous updates from her best friend, who incidentally, lost a baby herself at around 20 weeks to Anencephaly (lack of brain formation). Our class has been hit in the baby department, there is no doubt. But I feel all alone.

I didn't go to the hospital to deliver my (dead) babies. But 2 D&Cs after our miscarriages took them from my womb. When I walk into class, only once (praise God) has someone asked how I am doing. No one offers to make us meals. No one remembers the pain.

I sound self-absorbed, and I am. But I won't always be here. I won't always be grieving this much. But I'd like to not feel stuck here.

I believe that God is keeping me in this place because I need the rest. Though sometimes I can do anything but that. I exercise until I'm exhausted. I stay late at work to avoid going home. The weekend, which should make me glad, causes me anguish as I have time to recall the life I'd like to be living (family time with children). I awake in the middle of the night for hours sometimes. I feel like I am wasting the most precious years of my life - or more accurately, that they are BEING WASTED for me.

Anger is my little buddy. Oh yes, he's my stuffed snuggle bunny who I fall asleep with at night, and carry in my arms by day. I try to lay him down, but he's so... snuggly. I keep praying and laying him down, only to find him back in my arms again. And on top of it all, my parents are just no help.

That's a very long story for another post. Suffice it to say, my parents are Christians, praise God, but they are not able to be the role models and friends that I need in this journey. There are many reasons for that, but alas. I leave them at your feet, Jesus.

Until later, dear friends.