Friday, May 25, 2012


Ladies, here we go again.  It's over.  Yep.  We found out yesterday, on our 15th anniversary, that the birth mother drank regularly during this pregnancy up until a few weeks ago.  Being due in early August, that's just not in the cards for us.

She did not disclose this in the original birth mother paperwork.  After much prayer and getting little sleep last night, I called the agency this morning to decline the case.  It was such a disappointing, heart-breaking call to make.  Just awful.

We want a child in our lives SO much.  But we decided back in the beginning of all of this that fetal alcohol exposure was not something we feel called to handle.  It's now called FASD, or fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.  I would have to be prepared to handle anything along that spectrum, and I know we are not called to do that.  If the birth mother had disclosed this at the beginning, we never would have been shown the case.


And it was a girl.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Round Two

Well, we got a call from the adoption agency yesterday.  Our social worker wanted to ask me about a case, and while we haven't "officially" signed on pending her first ob exam, a birthmother has chosen us again. She is due August 5 and is Hispanic, as is the birthfather, who is unknown.  The baby's sex is unknown as well.

The birthmom has placed a child for adoption using this agency before.  And while I would not wish the placement of a child for adoption on anyone who wasn't willing, much less infertility or any of the other fertility-based tragedies discussed on this blog, I am grateful that she has placed before.  She is 25 years old and has a son who her mother takes care of and a daughter who was placed for adoption a few years ago.

In addition, the birthmom's mother and sister are aware of her decision to place and are in support.  Phew!  That is a HUGE change from the last birthmom who didn't even tell her mom she was pregnant with #4, much less tell her she wanted to place the baby for adoption.

She didn't believe she was pregnant, and so has not received medical care until now.  She has a doctor's appointment next Friday the 18th, and our acceptance of this case is pending that appointment.  Man, oh man, please dear Lord.....

We were in shock yesterday after the call.  I am glad I was off work yesterday; I had so many emotions to process.  A friend and I had a walk through a nature preserve already planned - it was perfect timing.  We saw several bunnies and baby bunnies and an indigo bunting, which neither of us had ever seen.

We received the initial birthmother paperwork this morning.  I couldn't believe they overnighted it.  There were 2 pictures of the birthmom in the paperwork.  She is wearing a Son*ic shirt and smiling.  But she looks quite tired.  And pregnant.

DH and I are cautiously optimistic.  I have to say, the timing of this phone call couldn't have been any better.  Here it is Mother's Day week, the worst week of the year in the life of a woman who has experienced infertility, miscarriage or failed adoption.  And, we received word a few weeks ago that the SBA government loan for DH's practice will likely go through in July.  It's been quite a long wait, and DH has to redo a large amount of the paperwork, but that's the government for you.  It *appears* we will come out ahead with this loan, though not by a lot.  However, I am grateful it is helping us some.  I will need to continue to work outside the home from here on out.  I am *hoping* I can continue to do 2 days a week, but it also depends on how much time I get to take without pay (since I'm part time) with the baby, whenever he/she comes into our lives.  I'd like a little time, since I'm not eligible for FMLA leave this time due to my hours falling below the requirements, to catch my breath before I go back to work.  I know it will all work out.  But I'd like the plans in advance, please!! ;)  My boss has been very supportive so far, and one of the ladies in the district office who works with him has adopted before.  It helps when people are adoption-aware.  At least then they realize, it's complicated and it's hard.  I did learn that I only have to work once every 8 weeks to remain on the payroll.  So maybe that will help too.

The verse that really stuck out to me this week is from Lamentations, one of my most favorite books of the Bible.  Yep!  It echoes quite a bit of my feelings some of the time.  This verse is one of the hopeful ones mixed in:

The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him. Lamentations 3:24

This verse spoke to me before we got the call.  In light of our lifestyle change, it really spoke to me.  It's our portion, what He chooses to give us.  It has what WE need as an individual, with the 'nutrients' and in the size that's best for us.  You get the picture.  And the morsel goes down to the innermost parts and changes us forever.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


Warning... this is a rant.  Aunt Flo decided to come today - on the positive, it was due on Mother's Day.  I work on M.D. this year - my co-worker pharmacist is dedicating his baby girl in church that morning, and I could tell he was not cherishing asking me if I'd come in to cover for him.  At least he's splitting the day with me.  It's an 11 to 7 shift - those Sunday shifts have gotten SO long.  It used to be a 12 to 6 shift, so you could make it to an early worship service then have just enough time to swing by McD's and slide into work right before the demanding just-out-of-church crowd got there, but no longer.

And that wasn't the rant.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom and I said I'm having a really rough time this year, so I'm sorry but I won't be able to buy Mother's Day cards.  She said "well, can (DH) go get them instead?  Then you could just sign your name."  Taken aback, I just kind of sat there and said, well, I'll have to see if he can, but I usually am the one who picks out the cards, so I dunno... She just said "well, that's an idea."


You're my MOTHER.  And you're (supposed) to know how painful, heartbreaking, gut wrenching, life-changing, etc. infertility, miscarriage, and most recently, our failed adoption is.  That's the thing with her - and it feels so wrong saying this about my own mother, knowing how much I honor that role in life - she is very manipulative and not very real.  I can't make it in this life not being real.  Yet she chooses to live that way every day.  She denies the pain that she is in, and won't talk about it, but it comes out in hot spurts like those words, especially when only she is around and no one else can hear her saying something mean.  A lot of times my dad gets on the phone too, and she won't talk like that with him there.  He wasn't home that day, but if I brought up how much what she said hurt, she would deny that she said it. Yep. I've tried that in the past.  She is always right.

So, last night I came home from work and addressed her envelope, and the card didn't fit!!  So, now I get to go the card store and ask the associate for an envelope exchange!  How often does that happen!?!? Normally, it would be funny, but in this case, the very thing I didn't want to do - go to the card store - is going to happen.


Such is the spiritual battle that is my life.  It really does feel like I'm on the front lines these days.  Make no mistake, satan is at the front of this battle - whether it's the failed infertility treatment skirmish, the miscarriage broken-heart mayhem, the abortion debate (that's a subject unto itself that I am very passionate about - translation: I need to avoid it like the plague), or adoption itself.  I see him trying to advance against those whose true desire is to care-take and love like Jesus.  But our Lord has won the victory!  His, and therefore our, victory is sure. Romans 8:16-19

On the lifestyle change front, we are still on it!  DH has lost 40 pounds now, with a goal to lose 15 more! It's not fair how men can just lose it so much faster than we can.  As for me, I'm down to the last 7 pounds, and those last few pounds are far harder to lose.  I'm still eating as healthy as I can, with occasional indulgences, but still no fried foods, no artificial sugars, no carbonated beverages (mostly).  I've started Turbo J*am at the recommendation of a friend, and apparently I'm a little late to this party.  It's been around awhile, but it really seems to target the abs.  I can already tell after 2 weeks that I have less of a tummy and my hips are slimmer.  I've had to buy pants as we can afford them, and it feels great!  There's a lot of punches and kicks in this workout, and I'm following the advanced series of workouts for 6 days a week. Phew!  It's tough, but I wanted to change things up a bit, get a bit more of a challenge - and a challenge I've got!  You can find the TJ workout DVDs on