I wouldn't say I've lost my sense of humor, just that it's been changed. I laugh as often as I can, because I know just how much I need to. I value a good laugh more today than I ever have. However, I find that in my day to day existence, my innocence is gone. I'm a little hesitant to rejoice, hesitant to be happy. I find that contentment is difficult to come by. I believe that one day, this will change - it will get better.
Even when something good DOES eventually happen to me in the having-a-child-in-our-lives department, I'm going to feel more like it could be taken away. When we got pregnant with our first child, we decided to name her Grace. My morning sickness was terrible, but I told myself, this is what women do. It really was the change-your-life type of morning sickness, where just the smell of certain foods was enough to send me to the ladies room. I popped Zofran like it was candy.
The day we went for our first ultrasound, I wore a blue Life Is Good t-shirt with a small oval of the woods on it. It reminded me of the trip we had taken to Yosemite. My hubby joined me - and as the doctor joined us, I said, please give us 3 pictures, one for us and one for each of the first-time grandparents! I laid back and the doctor began describing what he saw. I had no clue what he was talking about, but he was saying the things he saw like a list.
And then I asked, is everything ok?
When he said no ... the world fell out from under me.
I was certain I had misheard him. But as he spoke, his voice cracked, and though I didn't know him very well at the time, I believed his emotion. We could go the lab and have some HCG levels taken, and then come back 2 days later, he said and have more HCG levels taken. Sitting in the lab waiting room, the edges of our reality began to fray. I called work to let them know and to try to be off the rest of the day. Murray called his mom, and I reached my dad on his cell phone.
It was true - my HCG levels, though very high - over 20,000 - were decreasing. I even missed my doctor's confirmation phone call because I was throwing up. A D&C was scheduled for 2 days before Christmas.
This happened in 2006, and though I'd like to say I've come further with this, I really haven't. I feel stuck in the sorrow. We still have no living children to this day. But I KNOW my Gracie is waiting on us in heaven, along with her brother. (I never knew the sex of either of my children, but we have decided to accept them as a girl and a boy, respectively.)
So pardon me if I have trouble believing that good can happen to me. Because I don't. Please instead, believe that for me. And pray.
We lost our Kaylee (tho unsure of her sex, also) fall of 2005. It was hard, but not too hard, at the time. What has been harder is time passing & no other child coming.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand all that you experience, but a small part. It is hard to trust "good."
My prayers to you.
I feel changed too. The experience of recurrent loss has changed a lot of things about me. I'm not generally an unhappy person, but happy-go-lucky I am certainly not.
ReplyDeleteThe story of your ultrasound is a familiar one to me as well. I'm so sorry to read about that heartbreaking experience in your life.
I know it's so hard to keep believing that good can happen. I will believe it for you, friend. Praying for you.