Anger, for those of us who have been in therapy(wink), is an emotion which hides another: we have hurts, unmet needs. Yeah, infertility definitely fits that. I got to be angry a lot this week.
I say 'got to be' due to the 4 Vivelle Dot estrogen patches I am wearing in preparation for our last FET (frozen embryo transfer). Yep, we have been to the transfer suite at my RE's office for what will be 4 times now, with no babies (yet). Fourth time may be the charm. The big day is February 1, my dad's birthday interestingly.
My emotions have been swinging from tears to rage. Last night DH told me that he had received an email from the DH of a couple who has been through a miscarriage, though no infertility, per se. They adopted their son, who is now 2 and 1/2, and they just had a baby girl. The email was to let us know that they planned to bring the newborn to Sunday school, and wanted to let us know so we wouldn't be blindsided. Harumph.
Me, blindsided? Hell. Why would I care? I mean, she could be one of those people who 'gets it' since she has been to The Other Side (miscarriage). Though she has avoided The Land of Broken Dreams (infertility), I had some hope she might stave off her desire to show off her progeny just a little longer than 4 weeks. Since this is my blog, if you think I'm overreacting, I surely am, but it's my blog.
I wanted to slam doors, I did yell, and well - use some grown up words. And I should not do that. But the estrogen coursing through my veins combined with the selfishness and downright hubris some people have 1. to assume I would be blindsided and 2. to proceed to do that very thing anyway made me feel like a caged lion.
Now for an anger break. This is me on New Year's Eve, right before I went to work. Yes, I worked NYE, since I'm a pharmacist. After that, we had reservations at R%th's Chris. Not a bad tradeoff. Yep, DH and I decided - we are gonna L-O-V-E 2011 and ring in it in style.
I even wore my skirt and dressy shirt to work. I said I'm celebrating, and it starts now.
Farewell, ye 2010. You have been a sad, sad year, complete with our 3rd miscarriage and no adoption news, yet high adoption costs (financially and emotionally with the prep and all).
When a coworker, who knows all that I've been through in the infertility / miscarriage arena (see sidebar), says 'wow, it seems like everyone's having babies' as she hands me a prescription to fill at work, I wanted to slap her. Yet I said nothing. Nothing.
I was in shock. Is the follow up statement to that '....except you'? What bit your hide today to make you kick a woman who is innocently working - while under the influence of loads of estrogen - while she's down? She is a single mother of 2 kiddos, who she talks about nonstop. I try to be interested, and really I am. But she comes out with zingers at me about not being able to have children every now and then. And she's a really loud, obnoxious person. I should just let her have it, but that's not my style. To silently hate her is, however.
And now is the time when I say as a Christian that I do not hate. Anyone. By the power of Jesus. But I'm still human. So I am working on laying down my anger at her at the feet of Jesus. Jesus, please get her for me.