Friday, March 26, 2010

Believing A Lie

Well, friends, I had been believing a lie and didn't even know it. I had a fellow infertility-sufferer give me a copy of a sermon called Enduring Faith by Bill Johnson, a pastor in Redding, California. It reminded me of a great truth: God is good; satan is bad.

Not to get all he*&-fire and brimstone on you, but satan is real. He and his demons have come to steal, kill and destroy. But I've known that a long time. And like you, I've been feeling the effects so much during this time of my life.

Here's a great question: does God 'allow' suffering to 'make us stronger' or 'grow our character'? I don't believe He does. He is good; that is His nature and He cannot go against that. Jesus came to earth and died for our sins; His love is good and perfect. Any time someone came to Jesus and asked Him for healing in the Bible, he gave it to them. He did not say 'no - get right with me first' or 'no - I want you to learn to bear up under it'.

So why is all this happening? For the millionth time asking myself, I still have no answer. However, I have some peace knowing God did not decide this was good for me and bring it into my life. Infertility and miscarriage - each loss we have endured - is the work of the destroyer. There is no infertility in heaven. Just as there is no cancer, no death of any kind.

I believe that I am living in the in-between: between what I can understand and what I don't understand. The why of what I'm going through is one of the things I don't understand. God is giving me the grace each hour of each day to live in the in-between. And as we all know, it is not easy. But He is here, and He did not cause this - He did not 'allow' it to teach me a lesson. He didn't forbid it either, however. Because all along He has a plan to work for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Let me also say that God has been misrepresented to me alot in my life. My father was a very angry man and took this anger out on my family and me during my growing up years. He is vastly different today, but our relationship is largely broken and stale. I am unable to pursue a healthy relationship with him to this day. We get together at holidays, and do the usual things, but it is largely just a walk-through instead of a real, living relationship. I say this to illustrate that my template for our heavenly Father, Jesus, was largely colored - and colored in error - by my relationship with my earthly father. So this knowledge that God is good and just how good he is is a really big deal to me.

I know it's just arguing semantics to say did God allow it or did he just not forbid it. And this is a great mystery. I do not have the answers, but I do look to God for them. Many of the answers won't come this side of heaven, but I have peace today knowing that God is good.


  1. I understand what you're saying, but I have no answers either! Sorry! I do know that IF and RPL suck and leave us in a place that we never thought possible, but I do believe that Romans 8:28 will play out in our lives if we continue to trust God - some how, some way. I mull it over quite often because it's the verse that I found referenced multiple times in notes that my brother wrote to his senior track & field kids each year at graduation time. I discovered this after he died. I just know in my heart that I was meant to find this verse in his belongings, and I also believe if he could come back that he would tell me to continue to cling to it. I've heard it said in our church, "God doesn't always pay on Friday, but He always pays on time." Hang in there! Hope you have a good day :)

  2. I've been struggling with many of the same things too. I don't find it semantics that i struggle with "God's perfect plan for my life" - a belief others try to force on me but not one that i accept. I believe that God promises all will work to his glory but i don't accept that this means God is pulling all the strings.

    I'm also tired of others telling me that i don't have enough faith, or that i don't pray enough, or read the scriptures, or whatever. That puts the burden on me, & i just don't accept that is how God intended us to live or believe.

    I hope that things get better for you & you do find comfort in knowing him.