Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Giving Up

I have so been having those days where I don't want to get out of bed. At work, as a pharmacist, we are giving flu shots. This is my first year to give them. It's amazing how those fertility shots helped me out there! If I can give shots to myself, I can surely inflict pain on someone else.

God has really helped me. I have been anti-social to say the least for this last while, and even the minor 'socializing' required to administer a flu shot was proving daunting. God said gently 'don't think about it so much'. We are 'required' to administer the shot as a regular prescription, meaning we put it in line to fill like a regular prescription. With grief rearing its ugly head, I was not happy at this prospect. But it's gone ok.

I even gave my first shot to a pregnant woman last night.

Satan, 0. God and me, 1.

I woke up at 4 am this morning. Another thing that's been happening some. It may be the pregnancy hormones going out of my system, and my lovely body returning to its apparently already off-kilter self. Yeah, the self-loathing is trying to come back. I know better, but I don't feel better, ya know?

We went to a craft fair on Sunday. Fun. I used to love those SO much, even planning for months in advance to drive to one 2 hours away. No more. Infertility drained not only my bank account, but my joy, I'm sad to say. I used to buy Christmas decor and ornaments starting in July, and I looked forward to decorating as soon as I could. It's so hard decorating for Christmas now (so I don't). Thanksgiving has a very different meaning to me now, and it all begins with Halloween/fall. I always wanted a little sweet pea, complete with the pumpkin costume with the lid of the pumpkin as a hat. So precious. It just won't be fall without my little pumpkin.

I miss having a lil' pumpkin in my life, in my arms, so so much.

So, what did I buy at the craft fair, you ask? A lovely dichroic glass pendant, with pink and green and swirls hung on a pink crystal chain. I wore it out of the booth just to make myself smile. One day I'll learn how to add photos to this blog. ;) Anyway, I also got a pearl pendant and 2 hair holder thingies made out of piano wire with beads on them. They are called Flexi8. I learned my hair is thinner than I remember, but hey, at least I have a new way to put it up.

It meant alot to me that DH came with me to the craft fair, and walked around, and wrote checks and didn't complain. I needed that. And even more, I needed someone to be with me and let me forget that I am experiencing infertility. Sometimes, God comes our way at a craft fair.

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