Thursday, February 16, 2012

Feel the Burn

Hello, all.  It's a dreary yet nicely mild day, especially for February.  On the 'lifestyle change' front, I've lost a total of 11 pounds!!  I'm on week 5, and next week, I begin a new exercise DVD, phase 2.  I'm very scared.  The first 3 days on phase 1's DVD made me feel like I'd been beaten.  I've been sleeping with a heating pad at the ready ever since.  I do believe I'll be needing it next week.  Yikes.  Monday's the day.

On the work front, it's good.  I've been at one store most consistently, working 2 days a week, or even 1 day some weeks.  This has helped me on the lifestyle change front tremendously.  I get time to plan my meals, which is the difference between success or failure, as I've come to find out.  I can plan out my grocery list, have time to go to the store mid-week for more fruit/produce, and most of all, have time to do my 6 days a week workouts.  I did learn I get one off-day a week!!  Yay!!  That was so awesome to learn, especially when you're in that first week of new exercises.  The body is crying for a break.

We're still waiting to hear about the SBA (government) small business loan.  It will basically allow us to make smaller monthly payments on DH's medical practice loan, which we greatly need.  As it is, too much money is flying out each month on that purchase, and I'm really hoping we get some news soon.  We do know that the underwriter is looking into our loan.  She will be the one to approve the amount we qualify for.  Please pray that the Lord will speak to her on our behalf, and that He will grant us favor!  I'm so concerned that I might have to work more hours, and that will be floating, if we do not qualify for what we need.  Wow, the faith muscle surely can hurt to use.  Phew!!

On the adoption front, we went to our adoption support group Sunday afternoon.  It's really neat how I got hooked up with them: they are all members of a church affiliated with one of my doctor's offices (hard to explain).  My doctor told me about them.  All the couples have children already, and so it's hard for me to stop comparing myself with them.  That's one of my weaknesses: for some reason, if someone else has it, I think I should have it too.  It made me really bummed when some new couples joined this last week, and they also all had children already (except for a newly-married, as far as they know fertile couple who haven't tried to have "their own" children yet, as the DH of the couple told a group of infertiles at an adoption support group meeting - yep, I had to ask for forgiveness at my thoughts about him after that).  Poor guy.  He had no idea that he would inspire immediate prayers, and begin a thorough convicting on my part.

The positive about the group is that they are exactly that - a support group.  I can email or call one of them, which is a huge risk for me to 'bother' one of them, as I see it - and they will be there for me.  I tell you, I have needed them.  They have shown me what Christ's love is.  And given me a burden to share that love with others.  They have absolutely no reason to love me at all, except for Christ.  I know what it feels like to 'only' have the love of Christ, to have nothing else at all of value in my life.  I do have DH, and that is no small thing.  But other than him, the love of Christ is it.  DH and I had to laugh this Christmas, when we told all our friends what we got: "All we got this year was Jesus.  Yep, that's it.  Just eternal life."  This was in light of the failed adoption on December 21.  Nothing else mattered to us, but oh yeah, Christ did die for us, and we get to live forever with Him.  Not bad for a gift.

I wish I had more news on the adoption front.  I have not heard a peep from the adoption agency.  Hmm.  I don't like that, but I haven't liked much on this journey so far.  And yet, my anguish cannot stop what God has planned for me.  I wish, so much, that something would change soon.  Sometimes I look up in the sky on a beautiful day, and I wonder - how can a God who creates something as beautiful as a cerulean blue sky delay my request?  I'm not the only one to ask Him this question - I know that for sure. I also know that the Lord will accomplish what concerns me Psalm 138:8.  Lord, help me, for I am weak and grieving.  I will keep my face turned to You.  Please hold me together.


  1. Rebecca, I love the blog background update. It speaks hope, which I'm not sure you realize you still have. WAY TO GO ON 11 POUNDS ALREADY! That is awesome and something to surely celebrate. I'm definitely going to be praying for the load situation, as I can only imagine how much that would help you. I'm very sorry that you've heard nothing from your adoption agency. I felt so very alone, so abandoned after our failed adoption. I actually still feel that way, that no one wants to take us seriously, but I will persevere. I'm so glad you have the support group, but know that there are other people praying for you that you don't even know. And I'm seriously, just an email away anytime you want support from someone who has been there. Sending love and continued prayers. Glad to get an update. I've checked your blog multiple times looking for a report :)

  2. Thanks for that, Deni. I didn't realize I still have hope, but I want to have some. If you saw that in me, then I'll take it! :)