Tuesday, March 6, 2012

He Loves Me

Oh, ladies - how are all of you?  Well, I'm good, considering.... but if I'm honest, I'd say I'm mostly really sad.  It's almost spring, and while this really should be a good thing, I find myself hating spring every year. Of course, I told myself, this year it will be different, when we thought we were adopting Isaac.  However, here we are yet AGAIN.  It makes me really, really angry.

The lifestyle change is still on, I'm glad to say.  The weight loss has hit a plateau, which is to be expected.  However, I have been making it through Phase 2 of the exercises ok.  They are quite difficult, especially the Kardio, but I just hang in there and give it my best.  We even went out of town last weekend and I got up before 7am on a Saturday to work out before we left!!  This is huge, huge, HUGE for me, y'all!  I'm not a morning person, much less on a Saturday.  But it was important to me, and I've been putting myself first lately, something new for me.

I've got both 5 pound and 8 pound weights to do the exercises.  I find myself trying to push myself a little too hard with the 8 pound ones, and I pulled a muscle in my scapula last week.  So, I've had to back off a bit until I get a little stronger.  They say in the exercise DVD that we can use up to 15 pound weights!  Wow!  I'd love to be that strong, but I'm just taking it a day at a time.  Which is SO not my style.  I'd rather rush, get through to strong, and be done with it.

Which reminds me of how I handle heartbreak.  Which is what a failed adoption really is.  Not to mention infertility and miscarriage.  I'd much rather face it, rush through it, get it over with, get all angry and really, really cry, and then be done with it.  God however, apparently has a different idea.  He loves me so much, I know He does.  But.... I wish He would just let this pain be over.  Just let it be through.  But it keeps lingering.  I know you can't rush grief.  But can You, please Lord, please rush joy to me?  Could You please put a rush on some JOY down here?

Instead, I find the tears cropping up at the most inopportune times.  Like just before work.  Or at bedtime when some sleep would be nice.  Or at church.  I feel like I've got my mind off of it ok, and I'm feeling pretty good about myself, but then something happens to remind me that I don't have anyone to call me "mommy".  And it hurts so much.  Or I see families together, or just anything really, that isn't just a couple walking around.  And I think, what have I done, or not done, God?  Why not us?

It's at these times that I say to God "it hurts so much, it's like I can't breathe" Psalm 42:6.  He has given me the image of an oxygen mask fitting over my nose - that He is my oxygen mask, giving me each breath.  That way, it's not up to me.  I don't have to find the strength, or the 'want to'.  Believe me, I'd much rather not be feeling any of this, but apparently, He wants me to let Him breathe for me.

And just about by that time, I realize how much He loves me.  He gives me each breath, and He holds me up and carries me through.  When I'd SO much rather it just all be over with.  Why I have to go through this, I cannot say.  It's a mystery.  But I do love how much He loves me.

1 comment:

  1. Wow! You said that so so so eloquently! That suffocating feeling of grief can be paralyzing & yet you're still pushing forward, still making strides in life, still going to church. I think Christina Aguleria sang that song "Fighter" about you!!! I wish I could snap my fingers and fill your arms, I reallllllly wish that! My prayers will hopefully do just that though! Sending you love, lots of love & prayers!