Please Don't Leave Me

I love this song by Pink.  My heart feels so sad today - I started my period before my beta from IVF #2.  I never knew that could happen.  I'm due to go in for the beta on Monday and found a surprise today on Saturday.  I'm on the Endometrin suppositories, but apparently, if it's not going to happen, then it's not going to happen.

I had suspected I wasn't pregnant,  but this adds insult to injury.  I'm still keeping up the progesterone so I won't beat myself up that I didn't continue it.  

We got our paperwork from the adoption agency yesterday.  Thank you, Lord, that it arrived before my period.  Hope is so hard to hang onto these days, and knowing we can move forward helps.  It's like the first step in a long, long journey.  I can't believe after all we've been through - IUIs, Clomid, an FET, 2 IVFs and 2 miscarriages - now we get to go down the long road to adoption!  

Snow Pea Jackpot

We ate some bag salad last night; Very Veggie it is called.  It's the usual romaine, cabbage and carrot mixture - but with snow peas.  Normally, there are very few snow peas.  However this bag was FULL of them.  My husband does not like them, and when I began to eat the salad he had put in a bowl for me, I said 'ok, did you give me all the snow peas?'.

No, was his response, that's how many there were in there!  I was in shock.  Now, why would I even mention this?

Well, the irony, my friends, is gargantuan.  Here we are, nearly 3 years, 3 IUIs, an FET, 2 miscarriages and 2 IVFs later, and still no baby.  Yet, we hit the snow pea jackpot.  And I didn't even want them!  I wanted a baby.

But I got the snow peas.

Everything's Different

I opened a few windows this morning.  Pollen is highest in the morning, but I figured I better let in the fresh air while I can - this is July, after all!  How different for July - a mild morning in the 70s in Alabama!  Surely we haven't had a July day like this in years.   And we may not again.

Hubby is at church - where I should be.  I was up late last night - afraid of how this IVF is going to turn out.  Not a good excuse, but I've found that sometimes I have to find my own way in my relationship with God.  I try my best to yield to His guidance, and though I fall far short I know, He knows my heart.  

Yup, I'm very afraid of what the future holds for us.  I try not to be, but the truth is the feelings are there.  I know my God is going to grow our family - though I don't know how, or when or why it has taken SO long and hurt SO much.

Now that we've done IVF #2, I think we are pretty much done with the IVF thing.  We have 3 frozen embies, but so far, it's hard to trust in that.  We did one FET (frozen embryo transfer) with IVF #1, but it didn't work out.  Since I have DOR (diminished ovarian reserve), I know I'm at a higher risk of miscarriage and of poor egg quality.  So far my RE (reproductive endocrinologist, whom I'll call Dr. Kind) hasn't mentioned these things to me.  He's much too - kind.  Yes, that's right.  I'm lucky like that.  He is immensely talented as well, but keenly aware of what it feels like to lose your dreams.

I'm very fortunate to have my medical team.  Even if we never make it to our ultimate dream of having our own biological child, I know God has blessed me with the best nurses and RE ever. They are friends - as close to me as my family - and I know God has used them in my life.  I cannot forget that.

I'm 35 Today

True, something I'm not... is a mother (to a living child).

But, I am 35 today.

It's been one of those sit-around-in-your-pj's-all-day-and-watch-your-hubby-play-old-video-games-on-his-Playstation 2 kind of days.  I just didn't feel like getting it all together and going out to eat.  Hey, we can celebrate my birthday ANY day we want, ya know?  So, just not today...

I found myself warmed by the birthday wishes of my friends this year like no other.  Maybe it's because I've tried to be more open with my friends, and somehow, they feel like they know me better now.  More likely, it's because I'm lucky.  I've found the friends I was born to have. Sounds corny, but when you've been lonely for a lot of your life, it's a blessing.

So why have I been lonely, you ask?  Many reasons: myself, my ways of relating to people or lack thereof, my fears.  And I'm still quiet in a group of people I don't know, still shy, but now - I know that's not the end of the world.  I've grown to accept myself.  And that is a journey I'm still on.  Infertility keeps you on that road.