Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hello, all.  It's almost Easter.  Sigh.  The good news: snacking on pastel wrapped mini Kit-K$t's, making Easter baskets, donning new shoes, sitting outside comfortably for hours on Sunday afternoons.

The bad news: I am really grieving our last miscarriage.  We would be due now, in late April. Spring, with its new beginnings and beauty, never fails to sadden those of us experiencing infertility. With fertility literally dripping from the trees, how can we feel any other way? I went to Sunday school and maybe shouldn't have on Sunday.  There was a baby there, as usual, but it got to me more this time.  We sit in a big circle in our class, and I have no idea why.  I hate that.  If I have something to say, I'll say it, but sitting in a circle isn't going to get me to open up.

Maybe I should petition for a change.  Hmmm.

I always end up sitting exactly across from this couple with the baby, so if I want to look straight ahead, I'm faced with them.  I believe that what you look at is your focus.  I do my best to look away but it gets hard.  Finally, mom needs to feed the baby since he's getting so fussy, so she takes him to another part of the room.  Whew.  It's all so weird.

I've asked DH before about finding a new church. Sometimes I get really tired of the we-live-for-our-kids banner of our church.  That is our society, however.  It would be so great to have couples as friends who are also waiting for an adoption match.  It's a uniquely painful process.  While everyone else is moving on in life, so to speak - what is junior wearing for Easter Sunday and where is Sally going to preschool - we are stuck in waiting land like we have been for 14 years of marriage.

This Land of Waiting is vast.  It stretches as far as the eye can see and as far as the heart can feel.  Imagine that.  There is no end to it.

Which is why I just didn't feel like socializing at Sunday school.  All the ladies were surrounding the mom with her baby, and I had less than nothing to say.  I just headed out the door.  I told DH I'll see you in 'big church' and left.  He wanted to talk with people and eat.  It just emphasizes the lonely feeling I have, but if I'm sadder than sad, and have nothing to say, what to do?

I feel like a square peg in a round hole life.  I don't fit into this life - the one apparently God is giving me - yet.  And it hurts.

That's a good potential post - The Life God is Giving Me.  All I can say is why?  It looks so bad right now.  Not having a child from my body feels like the biggest curse of my life.  Accepting myself feels impossible right now.  I just don't want to be me.

One day, I will perceive it differently.  One day, I will understand some of this.  One day, some of the pain will be lessened.  One day.

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