Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Broken Yet Again

You know, adoption is not for the faint of heart.  I already knew that, but today was yet another example of that.  My social worker in San Antonio called out of the blue today while I was driving, telling me of a case.  I had no idea it wouldn't work out.

I am just SO sad right now.

There was a baby girl born last night, a few minutes before midnight.  Her birthmother had been in contact with the adoption agency about placement.  The birthmom is involved in a court case with the birthfather.  She says he raped her.  I have no idea if this child was conceived then, but it's likely I suppose.

Our social worker was on the way to the hospital with the paperwork when she called me.  She said she called because there was a special situation - the birthmother had requested phone contact after placement.  I then told her about the information we found out about the LAST birthmother on FB, and how I was just a little 'birthmother shy' at the moment.  But I told her, yes, I was willing to try phone contact if our personalities jelled.  She said ok, that's why she had called.

Apparently the birthmother decided to parent before she could get to the hospital.  It appears the birthmother was out of the San Antonio area if the social worker had to drive so far.

Why, God, why?

I only had 3 hours to think about all this, but DH and I have a policy: we let people know, a little at a time, when ANY development happens in the adoption arena in our lives.  We need the support.  It's really painful (so far), and no matter what happens, we need the prayers.  So we had called our parents, a few friends.  I HATE this all so much.  I hate hurting the people I love.  I was the one who had to call DH and tell him the birthmother had changed her mind.  I was SO angry that I had to do that.  The disappointment in his voice was devastating to hear.  We had eaten lunch together at his office and prayed about all of this.  He had emailed his mens' Bible study group to request prayer.  He had gotten emotional about how this could be how God is working this all out for good.

I am SO glad I was off work today.  It just so happens my boss had called about something else today, and I felt impressed upon to tell him about this possibility since I have to work tomorrow.  I was SO ready to call and tell him it was official.  Well, no news means I don't need someone to cover my shift.  I HATE all this - absolutely hate it.

I was SO hoping this was the 'reward' we had been longing for - a daughter.  It's interesting - I had a name ready to go.  I won't use it now, since I used it for this baby girl.  I had been exercising one day, and the name Lily Rose had come to mind.  DH liked it too, and it was our new 'go-to' name.  When you don't know when you could get a call or what sex the baby could be, having a name in the works is a good idea.  I actually thought it was a download from God.  Sigh.  So, so sad.

If this had worked out, I literally would have been on a plane tomorrow.  So we had a lot to work through.  When your heart has been hurt for so long, you're very protective of it.  At the same time, you're just so ready for all the pain to be OVER that you see any development as hope for relief.  I SO had hope for relief this time.  It was all over me.  I was SO ready to tell the world we have a daughter.  Our Lily Rose.

We worked in the nursery last Sunday at church.  Back when we first volunteered last September, I really felt God leading me (us) to work there.  However as time as gone by, I've since felt God leading me specifically away from that.  I get so emotional before we go, I have trouble sleeping the night before, and I am worn out when we leave.  Even DH is worn out when we leave, but that's more because he doesn't have that nurturing bent that we as women do.

This week went so well - I felt confident showing care to the baby girl and boy that I helped with.  So I looked at that today and thought 'wow, this is God wanting me to have that confidence before I fly across the country to get our daughter'.  But, alas it was not to be.  So, so sad.


  1. I am so, so sorry Rebecca. This is difficult news to take. I hope you're able to take some time to allow yourself to heal. It truly is a loss. :(

  2. Ugh! Just ugh! I'm so sad about that! I do have to share this with you. When our adoption failed I was devastated for a zillion reasons, but I was also pissed that we had wasted a name that I was IN LOVE with. But I was the first, as I posted this, "That was not our ____ ____". And the fact was that that baby was not ours, she was not meant to be our daughter. When we found out we were having a girl we could NOT come up with another name, there were a few that were ok, but not IT. We ended up using that name, because that baby was not our baby. That baby actually had a name already and it wasn't our name. It fits my daughter perfectly because she is our Cala Fay. So, you don't have to not use that name, but pray about it and you'll get a sign one way or another!

    And holy cow I can't believe you work in the nursery. I couldn't work in the nursery before or even now. Listen to God and get yourself out of there. He does not want you torturing yourself, or not sleeping, or wearing out your husband!

    Good heavens I still wish I could hug you! Sending you love and continuing to lift you up in prayer!!!