Thursday, April 12, 2012

Just Sad

I'm going home this weekend, and it always makes me sad.  I've had a challenging relationship with my parents, but that's not the only reason.  I hate that I'm not taking my son or daughter with me.  I feel like a failure.  A lie to be sure, from the evil one, yet it's how I feel.

There's a mexican restaurant here in our town that I used to love to go to.  The food is still wonderful; it's still a place to people-watch.  We ate there tonight.  As luck would have it, during the course of our dinner, 2 different families with 2 precious children each sat next to us.  At one point, a little girl with the slightest wisp of hair turned around with the biggest grin.  I smiled at her and waved and told DH "you have a little friend," and he turned around to see her.  My eyes filled with tears.  Oh, to have a face like that greeting me, thinking of me as mommy.  Before losing Isaac, the homey atmosphere and Hispanic influences would comfort me, reminding me of where our son or daughter was coming from.  Our adoption agency is in San Antonio, and especially once we got matched, it was my favorite place to eat.

Since I've made a lifestyle change, I now eat the chicken fajita salad instead of the enchilada dinner.  I now typically don't eat the chips and salsa, though I had a few tonight.  And I no longer take comfort there.  It's simply a good place to eat, and like everything lately, it reminds me of what is lost.

Sorry, ladies, I'm down tonight.  It's been a beautiful week, and I miss my children.  We lost 3 babies to miscarriage, and recently Isaac to a failed adoption.  I just don't get it.  So I'm not going to try to get it.  Lord, help me to trust in You, in the Person You are, instead of in my circumstances.

I also recently saw the movie The Descendants, with George Clooney.  It was good, although the language was a little tough, especially since a lot of it was coming from the mouth of a 17 year old.  It is the story of a family dealing with the coma of their wife/mother, and they live in Hawaii.  The scenery is breathtaking, the music lovely.  I had to buy the soundtrack.  It comforts me - just remembering the story of the losses this family experiences.  Yet they work through a lot of pain, and remain together.  It's a beautiful story in that way.  Somehow, watching it made me feel less alone.  I recommend it for adults or teenagers.

The Descendants Movie Trailer

I do miss the absolute avoidance of any mention of faith or God, or Jesus.  No one in my opinion can be as strong as George Clooney's character without Him.  It's Hollywood, so I guess we expect that.  For those of us who have been there, whether through loss, grief or abuse - we know.  We know just how difficult life can really be.  I enjoyed this story in spite of its flaws.  It illustrates the path of grief beautifully.

1 comment:

  1. Again, I'm really sorry that you are having this pain. I know that all the things that comforted me before our failed adoption were like something mocking me afterwards. I understand a rough relationship with my parents, so know that adds stress. I wish I could make things better for you! I'm very sorry that you had 3 miscarriages, I wish that word didn't even exist, and then to have this happen, it's too much! I'm so sorry!!!

    I haven't seen that movie, but I want to.