Joshua's Story - Part Two

This is a continuation of the previous post...

I also neglected to mention something major... the birth mother and birth father had already signed away their rights by this time, and it was final.  Texas law gives the birth parents 72 hours to change their minds after signing, and that time had already elapsed by the time we got the call.

DH went to work Thursday and I was overwhelmed with trying to pack/get the house ready for me to potentially be gone for weeks (I ended up staying in Texas with Joshua for 19 days)/try to be a human being in the process.  I really don't remember what all I did.  The nursery was a mess due to the failed adoption in December.  I had kept the door closed for the last 6 months, only opening it with DH if one of our friends needed to borrow baby stuff.  So the bags were still packed for a December baby, with heavy bodysuits and fleece.  I dumped out the winter clothes into a chair and continued to load all the stuff we'd need.  Then I proceeded to carry what wasn't too heavy downstairs and out into the garage to help our loading of the SUV along.

Around 10am I got a text from DH: our social worker had called to tell us that the hospital had asked if we wanted our son circumcised, and if we did, now was the time and to call the nurse back.  As his adoptive parents, we could give permission for this.  My heart pounded as I thought about what this meant (not the nitty-gritty - poor little boy!) - this was my first task as his... mother.  It moved me with emotion to think that I could give - and needed to give - consent for this.  But then another thought flooded my mind - what if the nurse wasn't respectful of my role as his mother, the only mother he would ever know?  I prayed and called, and as it turned out, the nurse was GREAT.  Her name was Grace, and while I never got to meet her in person, she was patient, explained my son's condition (he was doing well, but was still in the NICU) and then let me speak with the doctor.  He was GREAT as well, and he thoroughly explained each step of the procedure as Texas law requires.  The procedure was scheduled that day for early evening.  We even shared a laugh about my discussing this with DH (poor little buddy)!  My phone call with the hospital was a landmark conversation to be sure, in terms of what it meant and how it was handled.  I thanked the Lord, but felt exhaustion kicking in already.  We had lightly slept the night before, and basically due to driving, that was our last full night of sleep for the next... who knows how long!!

My mind swirled with thoughts of my son... being operated on, however standard a procedure.  He was across the country, and I had just said... yes, operate on him.  Poor fella!!  I wanted to hold him right NOW.  The nurse asked me 'have you seen a picture of him yet?'  No!! I exclaimed, but we'd love to have one!  She said due to confidentiality she couldn't send one to me, but she could send one to the social worker who could then forward it on to me.  I hoped she would send one, but I never imagined that she would and I'd receive it!!  Several hours down the road, we learned what our son looked like!! It was just the inspiration we needed!! (due to adoption agency requirements, we aren't allowed to post pictures of our son in social media until the adoption is final, which is in 6 months.  I'm working on getting pics that are of just his hand, etc so that identity isn't a problem).

DH finally got home after nearly everything that could go wrong going wrong.  He's a medical professional, and it's a little hard for him to just pick up and head out of town on a dime.  I wanted to get on the road but I kept praying, Lord keep me calm and KEEP MY MIND ON WHAT I NEED TO  DO, not on what's happening.  By the time he got home, I had backed the SUV in and brought out everything I could carry into the garage for expert loading by the expert.

Finally, we were ready to leave.  It was around 3:00pm, and we had a 15 hour drive ahead of us.  But for the moment, all was good.  We were out of here!  Here come mommy and daddy, Joshua!!

Joshua Dean is here!!! - Wait, what?!?!

Ladies - I've missed you.  I have some good news.

We have a son!!!  His name is Joshua Dean!!!

Ok, it's quite a story, and I'm here with him right now doing tummy time, so my time is brief.

I know - me, doing tummy time!?!?!

On Tuesday, June 12, I called our adoption agency in Texas back after they left me a voicemail about a case.  Would I please call them back about it?  The social worker sounded optimistic, but I tried not to notice.  She said that a child had been born Friday, June 8 four weeks prematurely and was in the NICU.  The child was doing well, but had had some issues right after birth and during pregnancy.  Would we like to be shown to the birth mother?

We discussed the information, which I'm not disclosing due to privacy reasons, with our pediatrician and prayed.  When he sounded optimistic about the situation long-term, and I didn't sense the Lord pulling me back as if to say no, we said yes, you can show our profile.  Lord, we prayed, if this is meant to be our son - we had since learned it was a boy - then let the birth mother pick us.  And if not, well...

It was a surreal day waiting.  We had said yes to being shown around 9am, and I was off work that day.  Thank goodness, because I almost felt dizzy.  It's like I could hear my life changing, or so I dared to hope.  I told a few trusted friends, and they shared my excitement and my wariness.

I had decided to take a nap, or rather a lie-down-and-close-my-eyes-but-I-still-can't-sleep time when my cell phone rang.  It was the agency.  I took a deep breath, and thought, well, here goes.  Rebecca, the social worker said, we showed the birth mother the profiles, and she picked.... you!  Really!?!?!? was all I could say.  Yes! she reiterated, are you surprised?  Well, yes I am, I said, and then - ok, well what's next?  And we were off...

I was scheduled to work the next 3 days, so after I called DH and my parents and then texted my brother, I called my boss, my pharmacist coworker and texted trusted friends.  It was a whirlwind of communication gone heart crazy.  Our son was alive - in a NICU bed in Texas waiting for us.  We didn't know what he looked like.  We didn't know what hospital he was in.  All we knew was that he was here!!!!!!

I swapped shifts with the other pharmacist at my store so I could open on Wednesday and be able to get off earlier in the day to pack and organize.  I had to go to the doctor for a physical to renew that part of my home study (of course it would expire in a year, and here it was almost to the day!).  I had to call HR at work and check on a personal leave (I didn't end up officially taking one - it was in my best interest not to do so and my boss was fine with that).  I asked for 4 weeks off, not knowing how much time was really best, but only knowing that the time for the ICPC to go through - the interstate compact for the placement of children - between the states was estimated at 7 to 10 business days.  I knew I'd be in Texas for a few days!!  My boss said he'd take care of finding coverage for my Thursday and Friday shifts (which I had said I'd work extra to cover for someone else).  I called my scheduler to let her know my boss had approved my leaving.  I was on the phone for what felt like hours.

We planned to leave Thursday, as soon in the afternoon as we could, to pick up our son!!

TBC...

!!!

Ladies, here we go again.  It's over.  Yep.  We found out yesterday, on our 15th anniversary, that the birth mother drank regularly during this pregnancy up until a few weeks ago.  Being due in early August, that's just not in the cards for us.

She did not disclose this in the original birth mother paperwork.  After much prayer and getting little sleep last night, I called the agency this morning to decline the case.  It was such a disappointing, heart-breaking call to make.  Just awful.

We want a child in our lives SO much.  But we decided back in the beginning of all of this that fetal alcohol exposure was not something we feel called to handle.  It's now called FASD, or fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.  I would have to be prepared to handle anything along that spectrum, and I know we are not called to do that.  If the birth mother had disclosed this at the beginning, we never would have been shown the case.

Wow.

And it was a girl.

Round Two

Well, we got a call from the adoption agency yesterday.  Our social worker wanted to ask me about a case, and while we haven't "officially" signed on pending her first ob exam, a birthmother has chosen us again. She is due August 5 and is Hispanic, as is the birthfather, who is unknown.  The baby's sex is unknown as well.

The birthmom has placed a child for adoption using this agency before.  And while I would not wish the placement of a child for adoption on anyone who wasn't willing, much less infertility or any of the other fertility-based tragedies discussed on this blog, I am grateful that she has placed before.  She is 25 years old and has a son who her mother takes care of and a daughter who was placed for adoption a few years ago.

In addition, the birthmom's mother and sister are aware of her decision to place and are in support.  Phew!  That is a HUGE change from the last birthmom who didn't even tell her mom she was pregnant with #4, much less tell her she wanted to place the baby for adoption.

She didn't believe she was pregnant, and so has not received medical care until now.  She has a doctor's appointment next Friday the 18th, and our acceptance of this case is pending that appointment.  Man, oh man, please dear Lord.....

We were in shock yesterday after the call.  I am glad I was off work yesterday; I had so many emotions to process.  A friend and I had a walk through a nature preserve already planned - it was perfect timing.  We saw several bunnies and baby bunnies and an indigo bunting, which neither of us had ever seen.

We received the initial birthmother paperwork this morning.  I couldn't believe they overnighted it.  There were 2 pictures of the birthmom in the paperwork.  She is wearing a Son*ic shirt and smiling.  But she looks quite tired.  And pregnant.

DH and I are cautiously optimistic.  I have to say, the timing of this phone call couldn't have been any better.  Here it is Mother's Day week, the worst week of the year in the life of a woman who has experienced infertility, miscarriage or failed adoption.  And, we received word a few weeks ago that the SBA government loan for DH's practice will likely go through in July.  It's been quite a long wait, and DH has to redo a large amount of the paperwork, but that's the government for you.  It *appears* we will come out ahead with this loan, though not by a lot.  However, I am grateful it is helping us some.  I will need to continue to work outside the home from here on out.  I am *hoping* I can continue to do 2 days a week, but it also depends on how much time I get to take without pay (since I'm part time) with the baby, whenever he/she comes into our lives.  I'd like a little time, since I'm not eligible for FMLA leave this time due to my hours falling below the requirements, to catch my breath before I go back to work.  I know it will all work out.  But I'd like the plans in advance, please!! ;)  My boss has been very supportive so far, and one of the ladies in the district office who works with him has adopted before.  It helps when people are adoption-aware.  At least then they realize, it's complicated and it's hard.  I did learn that I only have to work once every 8 weeks to remain on the payroll.  So maybe that will help too.

The verse that really stuck out to me this week is from Lamentations, one of my most favorite books of the Bible.  Yep!  It echoes quite a bit of my feelings some of the time.  This verse is one of the hopeful ones mixed in:

The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him. Lamentations 3:24


This verse spoke to me before we got the call.  In light of our lifestyle change, it really spoke to me.  It's our portion, what He chooses to give us.  It has what WE need as an individual, with the 'nutrients' and in the size that's best for us.  You get the picture.  And the morsel goes down to the innermost parts and changes us forever.

Roundhouse

Warning... this is a rant.  Aunt Flo decided to come today - on the positive, it was due on Mother's Day.  I work on M.D. this year - my co-worker pharmacist is dedicating his baby girl in church that morning, and I could tell he was not cherishing asking me if I'd come in to cover for him.  At least he's splitting the day with me.  It's an 11 to 7 shift - those Sunday shifts have gotten SO long.  It used to be a 12 to 6 shift, so you could make it to an early worship service then have just enough time to swing by McD's and slide into work right before the demanding just-out-of-church crowd got there, but no longer.

And that wasn't the rant.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom and I said I'm having a really rough time this year, so I'm sorry but I won't be able to buy Mother's Day cards.  She said "well, can (DH) go get them instead?  Then you could just sign your name."  Taken aback, I just kind of sat there and said, well, I'll have to see if he can, but I usually am the one who picks out the cards, so I dunno... She just said "well, that's an idea."

ARRRRGH!!!!

You're my MOTHER.  And you're (supposed) to know how painful, heartbreaking, gut wrenching, life-changing, etc. infertility, miscarriage, and most recently, our failed adoption is.  That's the thing with her - and it feels so wrong saying this about my own mother, knowing how much I honor that role in life - she is very manipulative and not very real.  I can't make it in this life not being real.  Yet she chooses to live that way every day.  She denies the pain that she is in, and won't talk about it, but it comes out in hot spurts like those words, especially when only she is around and no one else can hear her saying something mean.  A lot of times my dad gets on the phone too, and she won't talk like that with him there.  He wasn't home that day, but if I brought up how much what she said hurt, she would deny that she said it. Yep. I've tried that in the past.  She is always right.

So, last night I came home from work and addressed her envelope, and the card didn't fit!!  So, now I get to go the card store and ask the associate for an envelope exchange!  How often does that happen!?!? Normally, it would be funny, but in this case, the very thing I didn't want to do - go to the card store - is going to happen.

ARRRRGH!!!!

Such is the spiritual battle that is my life.  It really does feel like I'm on the front lines these days.  Make no mistake, satan is at the front of this battle - whether it's the failed infertility treatment skirmish, the miscarriage broken-heart mayhem, the abortion debate (that's a subject unto itself that I am very passionate about - translation: I need to avoid it like the plague), or adoption itself.  I see him trying to advance against those whose true desire is to care-take and love like Jesus.  But our Lord has won the victory!  His, and therefore our, victory is sure. Romans 8:16-19

On the lifestyle change front, we are still on it!  DH has lost 40 pounds now, with a goal to lose 15 more! It's not fair how men can just lose it so much faster than we can.  As for me, I'm down to the last 7 pounds, and those last few pounds are far harder to lose.  I'm still eating as healthy as I can, with occasional indulgences, but still no fried foods, no artificial sugars, no carbonated beverages (mostly).  I've started Turbo J*am at the recommendation of a friend, and apparently I'm a little late to this party.  It's been around awhile, but it really seems to target the abs.  I can already tell after 2 weeks that I have less of a tummy and my hips are slimmer.  I've had to buy pants as we can afford them, and it feels great!  There's a lot of punches and kicks in this workout, and I'm following the advanced series of workouts for 6 days a week. Phew!  It's tough, but I wanted to change things up a bit, get a bit more of a challenge - and a challenge I've got!  You can find the TJ workout DVDs on beachbody.com.

Broken Yet Again

You know, adoption is not for the faint of heart.  I already knew that, but today was yet another example of that.  My social worker in San Antonio called out of the blue today while I was driving, telling me of a case.  I had no idea it wouldn't work out.

I am just SO sad right now.

There was a baby girl born last night, a few minutes before midnight.  Her birthmother had been in contact with the adoption agency about placement.  The birthmom is involved in a court case with the birthfather.  She says he raped her.  I have no idea if this child was conceived then, but it's likely I suppose.

Our social worker was on the way to the hospital with the paperwork when she called me.  She said she called because there was a special situation - the birthmother had requested phone contact after placement.  I then told her about the information we found out about the LAST birthmother on FB, and how I was just a little 'birthmother shy' at the moment.  But I told her, yes, I was willing to try phone contact if our personalities jelled.  She said ok, that's why she had called.

Apparently the birthmother decided to parent before she could get to the hospital.  It appears the birthmother was out of the San Antonio area if the social worker had to drive so far.

Why, God, why?

I only had 3 hours to think about all this, but DH and I have a policy: we let people know, a little at a time, when ANY development happens in the adoption arena in our lives.  We need the support.  It's really painful (so far), and no matter what happens, we need the prayers.  So we had called our parents, a few friends.  I HATE this all so much.  I hate hurting the people I love.  I was the one who had to call DH and tell him the birthmother had changed her mind.  I was SO angry that I had to do that.  The disappointment in his voice was devastating to hear.  We had eaten lunch together at his office and prayed about all of this.  He had emailed his mens' Bible study group to request prayer.  He had gotten emotional about how this could be how God is working this all out for good.

I am SO glad I was off work today.  It just so happens my boss had called about something else today, and I felt impressed upon to tell him about this possibility since I have to work tomorrow.  I was SO ready to call and tell him it was official.  Well, no news means I don't need someone to cover my shift.  I HATE all this - absolutely hate it.

I was SO hoping this was the 'reward' we had been longing for - a daughter.  It's interesting - I had a name ready to go.  I won't use it now, since I used it for this baby girl.  I had been exercising one day, and the name Lily Rose had come to mind.  DH liked it too, and it was our new 'go-to' name.  When you don't know when you could get a call or what sex the baby could be, having a name in the works is a good idea.  I actually thought it was a download from God.  Sigh.  So, so sad.

If this had worked out, I literally would have been on a plane tomorrow.  So we had a lot to work through.  When your heart has been hurt for so long, you're very protective of it.  At the same time, you're just so ready for all the pain to be OVER that you see any development as hope for relief.  I SO had hope for relief this time.  It was all over me.  I was SO ready to tell the world we have a daughter.  Our Lily Rose.

We worked in the nursery last Sunday at church.  Back when we first volunteered last September, I really felt God leading me (us) to work there.  However as time as gone by, I've since felt God leading me specifically away from that.  I get so emotional before we go, I have trouble sleeping the night before, and I am worn out when we leave.  Even DH is worn out when we leave, but that's more because he doesn't have that nurturing bent that we as women do.

This week went so well - I felt confident showing care to the baby girl and boy that I helped with.  So I looked at that today and thought 'wow, this is God wanting me to have that confidence before I fly across the country to get our daughter'.  But, alas it was not to be.  So, so sad.

Still In It

Hello, all.  It's been a tough few days.  I can't quite pinpoint it, but I've been in a funk.  Nothing new, I suppose, but you know how you just get tired of BEING TIRED?  You get tired of BEING SAD?  Yet, it's the journey I'm on. I believe God will reveal Himself to me on it, and that will be worth it all. But I'm not there yet.  Oh, how I long to be there!

For those of you who have gone through this: does having a child in your life ease the pain of your infertility, miscarriages or failed adoptions? Or is the pain of each of those, so deep and different for each of us, still just as strong? I have a friend for whom the pain is just as real. Since I haven't made it to "the other side" yet, I am curious about your takes on this.

I have to be careful not to tell myself that very thing: that when a child joins our family, my pain will lessen. Of course, God can heal and does heal in mysterious ways and not so mysterious ways. But it's tricky interpreting for Him. The ways He orchestrates healing in my life may look nothing like the way in which He does that in yours.

Oh, Lord, please send a word to Your daughter. Send a word of Your encouragement, a word of Your favor. Most of all, Lord, send a word of Yourself. Refresh me, renew me. Do that which only You can do.

Just Sad

I'm going home this weekend, and it always makes me sad.  I've had a challenging relationship with my parents, but that's not the only reason.  I hate that I'm not taking my son or daughter with me.  I feel like a failure.  A lie to be sure, from the evil one, yet it's how I feel.

There's a mexican restaurant here in our town that I used to love to go to.  The food is still wonderful; it's still a place to people-watch.  We ate there tonight.  As luck would have it, during the course of our dinner, 2 different families with 2 precious children each sat next to us.  At one point, a little girl with the slightest wisp of hair turned around with the biggest grin.  I smiled at her and waved and told DH "you have a little friend," and he turned around to see her.  My eyes filled with tears.  Oh, to have a face like that greeting me, thinking of me as mommy.  Before losing Isaac, the homey atmosphere and Hispanic influences would comfort me, reminding me of where our son or daughter was coming from.  Our adoption agency is in San Antonio, and especially once we got matched, it was my favorite place to eat.

Since I've made a lifestyle change, I now eat the chicken fajita salad instead of the enchilada dinner.  I now typically don't eat the chips and salsa, though I had a few tonight.  And I no longer take comfort there.  It's simply a good place to eat, and like everything lately, it reminds me of what is lost.

Sorry, ladies, I'm down tonight.  It's been a beautiful week, and I miss my children.  We lost 3 babies to miscarriage, and recently Isaac to a failed adoption.  I just don't get it.  So I'm not going to try to get it.  Lord, help me to trust in You, in the Person You are, instead of in my circumstances.

I also recently saw the movie The Descendants, with George Clooney.  It was good, although the language was a little tough, especially since a lot of it was coming from the mouth of a 17 year old.  It is the story of a family dealing with the coma of their wife/mother, and they live in Hawaii.  The scenery is breathtaking, the music lovely.  I had to buy the soundtrack.  It comforts me - just remembering the story of the losses this family experiences.  Yet they work through a lot of pain, and remain together.  It's a beautiful story in that way.  Somehow, watching it made me feel less alone.  I recommend it for adults or teenagers.

The Descendants Movie Trailer

I do miss the absolute avoidance of any mention of faith or God, or Jesus.  No one in my opinion can be as strong as George Clooney's character without Him.  It's Hollywood, so I guess we expect that.  For those of us who have been there, whether through loss, grief or abuse - we know.  We know just how difficult life can really be.  I enjoyed this story in spite of its flaws.  It illustrates the path of grief beautifully.

Anger

Ladies, well, I looked up the old birthmother on Face*book.  Why, you might ask and how did you know how to find her?  Well, the adoption process is supposed to be de-identified, meaning you do not know the last name of the birthmother and the city she lives in, etc and neither does she know these things about you.  While we were matched, the social worker printed some pics of the BM's other 3 kids from MyS&pace.  So, when it all fell through, due to knowing the city where she lived and having met her, I recognized her on a search I did of MyS&pace.  And I got the brilliant idea of looking for her, and subsequently finding her, on FB.

The result was NOT pretty.  Isaac was born on December 19, a Monday, before we even left town here to pick him up on Wednesday the 21st.  I found this in a post on the birthfather's - who is in jail - FB page.  Apparently the issue of whether incarcerated people should be allowed to use social media is a topic that is up for debate at this time, and so when the topic came up on our local news, I voted 'NO' in our local newscast's poll, little knowing just how close to home the topic really was.  Next up, was the pics of BM with the BF's other son, Scott*, in November 2011, which completely blows out of the water the fact that she told us she didn't even know the BF's last name, where he lived, why he was in jail, etc, etc, etc.  She even told the social worker after we met that day in October 2011 that our meeting went fine, all except the part when we asked about the BF, because she felt uncomfortable (we thought due to their broken relationship) answering those questions.  I now know why she f'in felt so uncomfortable.  It's called LYING.

She married BF on Feb. 25.  That is interesting.  Not sure what it really means, because upon subsequent perusal of her friends on FB, we discovered who one of her other children's dads is - and that he frequently posts comments on his own drug use.  He scarcely admits to having this child, and the child was diagnosed with a form of autism while we were matched.  The best we can tell, BM is living with BF's mom, but that is not mentioned.  We saw tons of pics of Isaac (Drake).  He looks good, but I hate the fact that his mommy is playing house, and when she gets tired of it, he's just going to be dropped off at a relative's house for care, instead of being placed through adoption into a home where he will be cared for.  Last we heard, BM's mom was caring for all 3 of her other kids (from at least 2 other dads, from what we can tell).

I am really, really angry at her right now.  It was no accident that we had the Lord's Supper today in church.  And one of the requirements to partaking is, in addition to being a Christian, to forgive anyone against whom you have a grudge.  Um, yeah.  Hand's up, that's me, having a grudge against BM.  The quiet of the sanctuary made it possible to lay down my anger.  It's as though God was right there, taking the anger from me as naturally as if I were handing Him a glass of water.  But now that I'm back home, and it's a Sunday - always the hardest day of the week since I see it as family day, and it's only DH and me - and the house is quiet, and we have no love of a child to share and no experience parenting a child and watching him or her grow and change - and I get angry all over again.

I'm not a physical fight kind of person, but I find myself wanting to physically hurt BM.  Not pretty, not good.

Well, there it is, laid out in all its ugliness.  Wow.  It's a good thing God knows what He's doing. Because I have no idea.


*not his real name

Stronger

Hey, all.  It's a beautiful day outside, but I'm having a 'down' day today.  A friend confided in me about her fiance's anger problem, and it brought up a whole barrage of feelings about my dad.  I know, I haven't gone into much detail here about that, and I'm not able to at this time, but.... I grew up with a dad with anger issues.  I don't think anyone finds it easy to live with someone who has anger issues, but with my personality, I've since learned it was especially damaging.  So, it brings me down a lot to know that someone I care about is in this same position.  And she's putting her future children at risk also.

The lifestyle change is still on!!  I'm on phase 3 now, and I'm right at an 18 pound weight loss total.  The best part about all of this is my body has changed so much.  I recently had to go through my pants for summer and had to give away all but 3 pair!  Some I could take off without even unzipping, they were so big.  DH is enjoying my newfound confidence, and I am learning that I really am stronger than I thought I was.  Both physically, mentally and spiritually.

I also bought 2 exercise bras.  This sounds like no big deal, but 'the girls' are quite an issue for me.  I'm a 36DD-DDD, having recently gotten fitted at a local S*ma Intimates store.  I highly recommend S*ma - the lady was patient with me and really helped me find my right size.  And as we all know ladies, a great fitting bra is a fine, fine thing!! :)

The exercise bras are from Moving C*mfort, a website I learned about on a runners' forum.  I feel so confident in these bras.  I don't have to worry about the girls slipping out when I do downward dog (a yoga pose) and, I don't give the guys as much to drool over when I'm out walking around our local lake. ;)

I have about 2 weeks left on phase 3, then I move into the 7-day shred.  This time is designed to help you lose the last 5 pounds you desire.  I have some tweaking to do, as I ideally want to lose 10 more pounds.  That may or may not be possible, but I've seen the way I've been able to tone my body already, so I'm giving it a go.

I also have really enjoyed watching DH get inspired and since lose over 25 pounds himself.  Wow!  That was an unexpected benefit.  His most recent blood work at the doctor revealed his triglycerides to be 139, down from 411 less than a year ago!!  I am just blown away!  Thank you, Lord.  His triglycerides really concerned me before (goal is < 200), and we had tried management with medication, but DH didn't like how the medicine made him feel, so he wouldn't take it.  Never did I imagine that his healthier eating would THAT drastically change his health.  And that I would have a part in that!  With no nagging required!

Spring is still just a hard, hard time.  I thought this year would be different, with a baby boy to dress in an adorable outfit and take to have his picture made.  I would send out pictures to everyone I know, whether they cared or not.  I still haven't opened the nursery door.  We did go in there - together, I made sure - to loan our swing to a couple taking care of a foster baby, but then the door was immediately closed again.  It looks like a car wreck in there, with dreams and plans and love scattered and smashed all around.

We have no news from the adoption agency.  DH finally emailed our social worker, just to let her know we were still here.  She said I know it's easy for me to say, but your story touches people, so hang in there.  Sigh.  We most definitely don't understand God's timing, but I am learning - at a daily, even hourly pace - how to trust God.  Trust doesn't come easily for me, due to my upbringing.  It's been a long road of learning how to trust the Lord.  But He is patient and loving - He knows our hearts.  He knows when we want to trust Him, but just cannot do it.  And so, I ask him to help me.  Like the man who brought his son to Jesus due to a spirit causing him to have seizures, I say to the Lord 'I believe, help my unbelief' Mark 9:24.

Oh, ladies, I wish life was different - easier.  Somehow, some way, we are making a difference for eternity.  God is working through each of us and our circumstances, to make a lasting impression on the world for Him.

He Loves Me

Oh, ladies - how are all of you?  Well, I'm good, considering.... but if I'm honest, I'd say I'm mostly really sad.  It's almost spring, and while this really should be a good thing, I find myself hating spring every year. Of course, I told myself, this year it will be different, when we thought we were adopting Isaac.  However, here we are yet AGAIN.  It makes me really, really angry.

The lifestyle change is still on, I'm glad to say.  The weight loss has hit a plateau, which is to be expected.  However, I have been making it through Phase 2 of the exercises ok.  They are quite difficult, especially the Kardio, but I just hang in there and give it my best.  We even went out of town last weekend and I got up before 7am on a Saturday to work out before we left!!  This is huge, huge, HUGE for me, y'all!  I'm not a morning person, much less on a Saturday.  But it was important to me, and I've been putting myself first lately, something new for me.

I've got both 5 pound and 8 pound weights to do the exercises.  I find myself trying to push myself a little too hard with the 8 pound ones, and I pulled a muscle in my scapula last week.  So, I've had to back off a bit until I get a little stronger.  They say in the exercise DVD that we can use up to 15 pound weights!  Wow!  I'd love to be that strong, but I'm just taking it a day at a time.  Which is SO not my style.  I'd rather rush, get through to strong, and be done with it.

Which reminds me of how I handle heartbreak.  Which is what a failed adoption really is.  Not to mention infertility and miscarriage.  I'd much rather face it, rush through it, get it over with, get all angry and really, really cry, and then be done with it.  God however, apparently has a different idea.  He loves me so much, I know He does.  But.... I wish He would just let this pain be over.  Just let it be through.  But it keeps lingering.  I know you can't rush grief.  But can You, please Lord, please rush joy to me?  Could You please put a rush on some JOY down here?

Instead, I find the tears cropping up at the most inopportune times.  Like just before work.  Or at bedtime when some sleep would be nice.  Or at church.  I feel like I've got my mind off of it ok, and I'm feeling pretty good about myself, but then something happens to remind me that I don't have anyone to call me "mommy".  And it hurts so much.  Or I see families together, or just anything really, that isn't just a couple walking around.  And I think, what have I done, or not done, God?  Why not us?

It's at these times that I say to God "it hurts so much, it's like I can't breathe" Psalm 42:6.  He has given me the image of an oxygen mask fitting over my nose - that He is my oxygen mask, giving me each breath.  That way, it's not up to me.  I don't have to find the strength, or the 'want to'.  Believe me, I'd much rather not be feeling any of this, but apparently, He wants me to let Him breathe for me.

And just about by that time, I realize how much He loves me.  He gives me each breath, and He holds me up and carries me through.  When I'd SO much rather it just all be over with.  Why I have to go through this, I cannot say.  It's a mystery.  But I do love how much He loves me.

Feel the Burn

Hello, all.  It's a dreary yet nicely mild day, especially for February.  On the 'lifestyle change' front, I've lost a total of 11 pounds!!  I'm on week 5, and next week, I begin a new exercise DVD, phase 2.  I'm very scared.  The first 3 days on phase 1's DVD made me feel like I'd been beaten.  I've been sleeping with a heating pad at the ready ever since.  I do believe I'll be needing it next week.  Yikes.  Monday's the day.

On the work front, it's good.  I've been at one store most consistently, working 2 days a week, or even 1 day some weeks.  This has helped me on the lifestyle change front tremendously.  I get time to plan my meals, which is the difference between success or failure, as I've come to find out.  I can plan out my grocery list, have time to go to the store mid-week for more fruit/produce, and most of all, have time to do my 6 days a week workouts.  I did learn I get one off-day a week!!  Yay!!  That was so awesome to learn, especially when you're in that first week of new exercises.  The body is crying for a break.

We're still waiting to hear about the SBA (government) small business loan.  It will basically allow us to make smaller monthly payments on DH's medical practice loan, which we greatly need.  As it is, too much money is flying out each month on that purchase, and I'm really hoping we get some news soon.  We do know that the underwriter is looking into our loan.  She will be the one to approve the amount we qualify for.  Please pray that the Lord will speak to her on our behalf, and that He will grant us favor!  I'm so concerned that I might have to work more hours, and that will be floating, if we do not qualify for what we need.  Wow, the faith muscle surely can hurt to use.  Phew!!

On the adoption front, we went to our adoption support group Sunday afternoon.  It's really neat how I got hooked up with them: they are all members of a church affiliated with one of my doctor's offices (hard to explain).  My doctor told me about them.  All the couples have children already, and so it's hard for me to stop comparing myself with them.  That's one of my weaknesses: for some reason, if someone else has it, I think I should have it too.  It made me really bummed when some new couples joined this last week, and they also all had children already (except for a newly-married, as far as they know fertile couple who haven't tried to have "their own" children yet, as the DH of the couple told a group of infertiles at an adoption support group meeting - yep, I had to ask for forgiveness at my thoughts about him after that).  Poor guy.  He had no idea that he would inspire immediate prayers, and begin a thorough convicting on my part.

The positive about the group is that they are exactly that - a support group.  I can email or call one of them, which is a huge risk for me to 'bother' one of them, as I see it - and they will be there for me.  I tell you, I have needed them.  They have shown me what Christ's love is.  And given me a burden to share that love with others.  They have absolutely no reason to love me at all, except for Christ.  I know what it feels like to 'only' have the love of Christ, to have nothing else at all of value in my life.  I do have DH, and that is no small thing.  But other than him, the love of Christ is it.  DH and I had to laugh this Christmas, when we told all our friends what we got: "All we got this year was Jesus.  Yep, that's it.  Just eternal life."  This was in light of the failed adoption on December 21.  Nothing else mattered to us, but oh yeah, Christ did die for us, and we get to live forever with Him.  Not bad for a gift.

I wish I had more news on the adoption front.  I have not heard a peep from the adoption agency.  Hmm.  I don't like that, but I haven't liked much on this journey so far.  And yet, my anguish cannot stop what God has planned for me.  I wish, so much, that something would change soon.  Sometimes I look up in the sky on a beautiful day, and I wonder - how can a God who creates something as beautiful as a cerulean blue sky delay my request?  I'm not the only one to ask Him this question - I know that for sure. I also know that the Lord will accomplish what concerns me Psalm 138:8.  Lord, help me, for I am weak and grieving.  I will keep my face turned to You.  Please hold me together.

Remember Me

On the lifestyle change front, I have lost 6 pounds!!  Today marks the beginning of Phase 1.  I made it through the reset, which was a 14 day carb-free fest. I begin the exercising today......oh no. A little nervous, but I'm ready to give it a try. I also get to add back in a few select carbs. I got to eat Fib$er One this morning in coconut milk! Never have I been so glad to eat a cereal, much less a healthy one like this. Who knew? And I get to have some brown rice tonight.

On the rest-of-my-life front.....sigh. I just found out my closest church friend is pregnant. She was my one, well let's just say, person who still got it that I saw at Sunday school each week. She did foster parenting for awhile, taking care of a 4 year old and 2 year old for about 7 months last year. They ultimately were returned to the birth mom due to a change in Alabama state law. To save money, our state no longer performs drug tests on DHR cases. This means that drug abuse alone is no longer a reason to remove a child from the home. SO sad. Drugs are a benchmark of poor choices in the home, and yet in the name of money, we no longer acknowledge that. It's a development that begs for prayer and reconsideration, in my opinion.

This friend has PCOS, which is an overall much more treatable diagnosis than mine in the realm of infertility. So I knew this day would come - I just didn't expect it to come so SOON. I've lost friends over this, and this time, I prayed, Lord please don't let that happen. Even though my heart really could not be more broken than it is right now, and I feel like the face of the Lord is turned away from me (though I know this is not true), I don't want to lose her friendship. Satan has taken and continues to take from me, but I won't let him take this.

My friend did a series of IUIs (not sure how many), so she did have to see an RE for a time. They had taken a break from treatment when they decided to pursue foster parenting. This requires a lot of training, and they had hoped to adopt these 2 children. They found out right before Christmas that the children had to be returned to the birth mom, so we had both had an AWFUL Christmas together. All 4 of us had gone out to eat for New Year's Eve, and we watched the National Championship game together. She and her DH were kind of our go-to people, so it hurts. Needless to say, this is going to be right in my face for a long, long time. And I'm not looking forward to it.

The two of us did talk at Sunday school on Sunday. I have to credit her for coming up to me. I was just too sad to approach her. It might sound odd, but the truth is, the depth of my sadness actually reflects just how happy I am for her. I KNOW how much this means to her. And I know how much it would mean to me. Hence the tremendous sadness. I told her that I don't want to lose our friendship, and she said she didn't want to either. I told her I had lost friends over this, and "I think the reason I did is that neither one of us realized we could be this honest with each other. It takes a lot of courage and honesty to talk to each other like we are." She agreed. I told her I want to know how you are - so I can pray. But I cannot know the details. She nodded. I felt bad, but I know my heart cannot take it.

This is all new to me. The crushing disappointments, the encroaching despair, the desire of my heart landing right beside me, and I mean RIGHT beside me. My soul is disturbed within me. Has my God forgotten me? I know the answer is no, but it feels like the answer is yes. I have been reading and re-reading the story of Hannah. My prayer is that my Lord will remember me 1 Samuel 1:11. My Lord, please remember your daughter. Please remember me.

Back to Myself

On the 'lifestyle change' front (I won't call it a diet), I'm doing ok.  Lunch was tuna salad on a bed of lettuce with reduced everything red wine vinaigrette, and it was great.  I did cheat, and add some pickle juice and 3 baby midgies (small sweet pickles). I want to follow the eating plan perfectly, thanks to the obsessive side of me, but this is the best I can do. And it's ultimately all about making a lifestyle change.  I turned a corner last Friday, and the sore throat, utter exhaustion (so I wanted to sleep much more than usual) and headaches went away after 3 days of 'detoxing'.  I'm currently free of carbonated beverages, fast food and sugar.  Except for the pickles. Fruit comes back next week! But the exercise DVDs start in a week, too. Sigh. We'll see how that goes, but it's too far ahead to worry about. I've lost 5 pounds so far, but I expect that to slow to a trickle now. The exercise should get the weight loss back up, though. Hopefully.

My first day at a new pharmacy was yesterday. It went ok. The usual crazies, and I got pretty mad, but then again, it's just the way it is. Doesn't mean I like it, though. As you can probably tell, my truest desire is to quit my job and switch to the hardest, most rewarding job in the world - that of being a mom. My boss has been giving me fits lately, pressuring me to work more hours. I don't want to because I have a lot of stuff I'm dealing with, and working 8-12 hours a week is all we financially need (for now; no idea for the future). Thank you, Lord that You are holding me up and carrying me through! Please let it be over soon..... but I've been praying that for over 10 years now.

We have one of those digital photo picture frames. I've been praying to be able to put pictures of my kids in that thing for what seems like forever. For now though, it sits in our dining room, and we watch it cycle through while we eat. We have pics of trips we've gotten to take - to Yosemite, San Francisco, Disney and the beach, as well as family pics and pics DH is always taking. I always run a time line in my head of 'when was this? was it before the first miscarriage (in Dec. 2006), before my infertility diagnosis (April 2008), before we learned we apparently cannot have biological children?'

Of course, I've gotten 'older' - only ever so slightly ;) - but my face looks so much less tense, emotionally lighter and innocent, really, in these pictures. Here's a few:

This is DH and me after we moved to our current Alabama town, taken in 2005, so that makes it before any of this. At the time, I didn't know when we'd start a family, but I knew this was the place they'd come home to, since DH was finished with school and residency. After living in San Antonio, we were glad to be back in Alabama.

This is the whole fam, except DH's brother, taken in May 2005 at a surprise dinner we had for my mom to celebrate her 'retiring' from full-time teaching. This one is in our adoption photo book, to give the birth mother a chance to see all of us at once. I remember feeling really happy here because we had successfully planned a surprise. I had no idea that the feeling of failure would become a predominant part of my life a year and a half later.

Here I am, getting ready to go in for my embryo transfer during my second IVF cycle in July 2009. I am of course SO hoping it will work. DH gets to go in with me, so as usual he just has to be taking pictures. I remember the hope I had, that this time it WILL work, that we CAN have biological children, that we WILL have embryos left over to freeze and get a sibling. None of that happened (except the leftover embryos, which we did have, but our 2nd FET using them was a BFN).

Just for reference, here we are at the baby shower that DH's office staff threw for Isaac's adoption in November 2011. Of course, the adoption fell through, and though I was afraid it might at the time (not for any specific reason, only because domestic adoptions fail more than international ones), so much so that it was a bit difficult to enjoy the shower, we never imagined the adoption REALLY would fall through. I'm a little down on domestic adoption right now, understandably.

This is really more of a noticing on my part than anything else. And although all of you may not be able to tell anything (I hope you can't actually, since all I want to be is beautiful ;) ), it's amazing what we can see in a photograph sometimes when we are familiar with the background story, especially if we've LIVED it. More than anything, I know that God can create in me that which I cannot comprehend. And since He is full of lovingkindness Psalm 103:11, I know that what He creates will be better, truer and lovelier than anything I can devise. Until then, it hurts. A lot. And I just want to get back to myself, back to the real me. I'm changed forever now, and that's ok. But I wonder: how will happiness feel now? And when will it get here?

Anything for You

That Gloria Estefan song popped into my head as I finished my shower. Not every lyric applies to how I feel with the failed adoption, but a lot of it does. Mostly, the title.

Anything for you
Though you're not here
...
Still I can't figure what went wrong.

I'm doing the PINK method diet that was on Dr. Phil. Yep, so I'm laying that out there. It starts with a (for me, depending on your starting weight) 14-day reset, or cleanse. Sigh. This is the first time I've done one of these in my life, other than a few weeks of no carbs, lots of meat and cheese before a friend's wedding. I have a shake for breakfast with whey protein powder, almond milk and fruit, then a 4 oz portion of protein, enough to fit in the palm of your hand, with unlimited vegetables for lunch and ditto for dinner. Simple enough. Carrying out, not so simple.

I'm an emotional eater - see my last post. So giving up chocolate, chips, Zax#by's, Die%t Coke, you name it and well, it hurts. I've had some headaches, dizziness, felt very tired, but really, it's not too bad. The scale says I've lost 3 pounds, and while I know that's water weight, at least I'm not carrying it around.

I'll be honest, this lifestyle change, which is exactly what I plan for it be, scared me. What if I fail? And I feel that way every day. But, I had come to a crossroads, not only in my heart but in my 'food life'. I could tell that if I didn't make a change, I was going to throw caution to the wind and gain 20 or more pounds. Food was becoming a closer friend that I needed it to be. We were essentially living on fast food, which when I have my children (thanking God for them before they get here!), is no way to live. DH is on his own right now, poor thing. He did try some of my cauliflower and carrot soup, and graciously ate his Wend*y's in the car before coming inside. :) I'm simply too vulnerable for him to bring it in the house.

After the 14 day reset, then you get to slowly add back in certain specified carbs, like a pear. Oh that pear! I can hardly wait! Fruit was always my go-to when I tried to eat healthy in the past. Then, and this is the kicker, you do the exercise DVDs that come with the PINK kit. I've heard they are tough, and they require a daily routine. !!!! However, I'm taking this one meal at a time, and that's too far down the road right now.

My goal is to lose 25 pounds. Oh, boy.

And I'd do anything for you.
In spite of it all
I've learned so much from you
You've made me strong

This pain has been unlike any I've experienced before. I'd never allowed myself to dream of my child like I did Isaac, wash baby clothes, read books on parenting. We took parenting classes at our local hospital (how I longed to just be able to go THERE to get my baby - instead of hoping someone would place their child in my arms 15 hours away). DH's office staff held a baby shower on a Sunday afternoon for us, complete with games and the cutest cake. We took so many pictures. I got to write a lot of thank you notes, thanking them most of all for being a part of such a special time in our lives.

My pain was and still is, ever before me. It taunts me when I reach into my SUV's back seat and see the car seat base there. I walk past the closed nursery door still. My arms long to hold a little one. It's easy to hate my body for 'letting me down' - expressed in my life through infertility and miscarriage. Yes, my heart has been broken more than I ever thought possible by all of this, but my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit 1 Corinthians 6:19. And I have been bought with a price 6:20. So since I have a few weeks of less hours at work, it just seemed like the time to do this fell in my lap.

Maybe He's the one singing Anything for You - to me.

Low

Today is just one of those days. I'm still wearing my pj's, eating m&.ms by the handful out of a one pound bag, nursing a cold and blubbering/crying on the phone to our local social worker.  We are using an adoption agency in Texas, while the agency who performed our home study is local. DH had emailed her a few weeks ago to tell her of the failed adoption.  She called to check on us, and it was a few days before I felt like calling her back.  Of course, it would be on a day like this that she'd return my call.

I'm uncomfortable showing my emotions, especially on the phone, especially with someone in a 'service capacity', translation: not as a friend.  Maybe that's just it - maybe she is a friend.  But I have to say, I am having SUCH trouble trusting anyone these days.  My faith in humankind is decimated. And no remnants remain.

I've never found it easy to trust anyone. My father was a very angry person when I was a girl, and his unpredictable outbursts of anger chased my tomboy-like desire to connect with men - especially my father - and eventually to connect with any human, out the window. I'm great with pets. When I go to someone's house, I connect with their dog better than I do with them at first. And if they don't have a wandering or pet-able pet (fish don't really count), it takes me longer to open up or feel comfortable.

Work has been a bummer lately. I'm a pharmacist at a large grocery store chain, and I had earned FMLA leave for the adoption, starting in late December and going through early February. When the adoption failed, I called my boss and he graciously said just call me in a few weeks and we'll work out when you want to come back. Perfect. It was almost Christmas, and my mind couldn't have been further from work.

At the store where I work, there are 3 other pharmacists. One is full time, and the other 3 of us used to all be part-time, so we would split the rest of the hours. Jenny* had a really rough year: her also pharmacist husband became her ex-husband after he had an affair with his technician. Jenny then became full time. Now, I thought well, she'll just go to a store where there are full time hours, and that will leave us with the rest. Donna*, the 3rd part-time pharmacist, was on maternity leave at this time, however. So that added hours to the pot. Jenny told our boss she wanted to stay at that store, so she then became full time there. Meanwhile, I worked most of Donna's shifts while she stayed home with the baby.

Donna told me before leaving to have her baby that she wanted to work 12 hours a week when she came back. Great, I said, then I'll take the last 8 hours left since Jenny has gone full time. However, Donna came back from leave during the few days between when I called my boss to tell him the news and when I called him to say I was coming back. Donna took all the hours.

I called the pharmacy manager at that store and said, I'm not sure if Donna meant to work all these hours but she said she'd work 12 hours a week when she came back. The way pharmacy works, and I'm sure all other fields, is the person with more seniority gets to decide. The manager said, as far as I know she wants to work all those hours. Now, I've been a pharmacist longer that Donna (14 years this year), but Donna has been with this company longer. So it was her choice, and she took it.

What this means is that I can become a 'floater' pharmacist where I travel to all of our stores (6 in this area, including some up to an hour away) and work to cover their vacation. I did this for several years when I worked with another company and when I first started with this one 5 years ago. But floating is hard. I hate it. And everyone knows that. Add to that the fact that we got our schedule unexpectedly via email yesterday, and I was not scheduled to work any hours that week (2 weeks from now).

So, needless to say, I hate Donna right now. She knows there is not one thing I can do about her decision, so that just encouraged her to do it. DH and I had discussed this all at length, and decided to try and see how my working these hours would go. I'm angry at her for not thinking of anyone but herself. I'd love to be a SAHM, but that isn't the way my life is turning out/we need the money right now.

DH is a medical professional. Anyone married to one of them knows, you have loans, loans, loans to pay back. Loans from professional school, loans from residency, loans from starting a practice. That's what is holding us back right now. DH has applied for an SBA loan, a government loan for small businesses that would, if we were approved, allow us to pay less per month and extend those payments over a longer period. (if you work in this field, I know I just didn't explain that right) Suffice it to say, it will help us each month. But the amount of paperwork he had to fill out was absolutely incredible, and it took him over a year to do it. We just turned it in right before our (supposed) adoption. And we have not heard from the loan people yet.

Phew. So that's why my life sucks right now. So much is in the balance, so much is out of my control, so much is not going the way I'd like. Hey, it's got to get better...

*names have been changed to protect the guilty/innocent

A Broken Heart

We had loaded the SUV up with everything - baby clothes, baby bottles, a bassinet, a swing, car seat, clothes for us for a month - we had it all.  We were on our way to Austin to meet our son!  It felt so strange, doing everything for the last time.  We had enjoyed our last dinner out, savoring our steak and dessert.  We had set up a pediatrician. We had seen our friends for the last time, amidst well-wishes and promises to pray for us everyday. We had walked out of our house for the last time without a child.

Absolutely nothing, even in hindsight, stands out as a sign the birthmother would change her mind 5 days before the scheduled c-section.  We had chosen to name him Isaac Antonio, and we had to tell the adoption agency the name we had chosen so they could transcribe it upon all the legal documents we would be signing at the hospital.  We had told only a few friends his name, preferring instead to announce it when we announced his arrival.

I'll never forget DH's reaction - he was driving, and we were about 3 and 1/2 hours from home, heading to see our family for the last time before we brought home our son.  He just threw up his right hand and said, she's changed her mind.  My heart pounded.  We were in a lot of traffic during rush hour and we needed to pull over so he could finish talking with the social worker.

I ran through the rain to the Bible book store I had found on my phone.  It felt both comforting and strange to be there.  I had wanted out of the car as DH got all the details.  My heart was breaking, and I didn't want to hear his breaking too.

I found a devotional book by a noted Christian author.  I wasn't sure even then how much I would read it, if at all.  But I needed to reach out to the only thing that made sense anymore - God and His love.  I was tempted to grab the first book I saw and run to the register.  I didn't want to be in public while I began to process these emotions, yet I was sure the book store would have something to offer me, like a Biblical bandaid.

I expected DH to come into the store and find me, but he did not.  When I found our parked car, he was still on the phone.  I knew that was bad news.  I ran out to him anyway, headed to the truth at least.  It was brutal truth, but my life was happening at that moment and I didn't want to miss it.

He filled me in - basically, the doctor's office had "accidentally" faxed the birthmother's medical records, which we did have the right to see, with some critical information to the adoption agency, namely that the birthmother said she was not placing the baby for adoption, and to not tell this to the adoption agency.  We were paying her bills at that time, so it was to her advantage to do this.  Of course, the social worker immediately called the doctor's office to confirm this information.  We were driving that day with all our baby's things, and the social worker knew that.

At first HIPPA regulations prohibited them from confirming the information, but they did ultimately confirm that she did state this but "you didn't hear it from us".  Attempts to contact the birthmother were unsuccessful after that time, even though the social worker HAD BEEN COMMUNICATING VIA TEXT WITH HER THAT DAY, TELLING HER WE WERE ON OUR WAY. At no time did she state any of this to the social worker.

Wow.  F-ing wow.

So, telling our parents blew; it absolutely blew.  Here it was, 4 days before Christmas, and we had to go in and say well, I'm sorry but the birthmother changed her mind, and you will not be having a grandson this Christmas. For my parents, this was their first grandchild, so it was especially devastating.  I told myself there is no way I'm sleeping - it's gonna be a long f-ing night.

We texted all of our friends, and one by one started getting responses of shock, utter disbelief.  We had told everyone at this point, and my husband had told all of his patients at his practice.  I had earned FMLA leave off from work, and had told my boss and everyone at my workplace.  We had purchased plane tickets back from Austin so DH could return to work while I stayed with the baby.  Friends had been so generous and used their awards points to book us a hotel room for part of our stay, with the rest of our stay being at a friend's house, for over 2 WEEKS.  It all just seemed to be falling into place, not perfectly, but happening nonetheless.

That's why our shock continued for some time after the news.  We kept our former schedule, only instead of leaving for Austin 2 days later, we returned home.  Home with all of the baby clothes, baby bottles, a bassinet, a swing, car seat, clothes for us for a month - all of it.

DH unloaded it while I went into the house. I knew that was gonna be TOUGH. There were so many triggers there, and while some I had anticipated, others I had forgotten about.  Like the baby album DH had bought off my baby registry.  I grabbed it and threw it into the nursery and slammed the door.  The nursery door is still closed, with every single baby thing in the world completely filling it.

Yep, this from the birthmother who told us to our faces when we met, 'I will not break your heart' and 'when I decide to do something, I don't change my mind'.  Over the course of the next week, we learned of several lies she had told us over time, indicating she had made this decision quite awhile before it was 'found out'. Wow.

So that's basically it in a nutshell.  I would love to hear from some of you who have gone through failed adoption and come out on the other side.  We would love to have some hope right now, but instead, we will let you have that for us.

Worse for the Wear

Hello, all.  I know.... I am so sorry to be gone so long.  Truth is, I was hoping I wouldn't 'need' this blog anymore.... at least in its current state.  Since I've been gone, we've had a failed adoption.

We were matched on September 27.  Our son's due date was December 26.  We found out the birthmother had changed her mind on December 21.

We had decided to name him Isaac Antonio.

Needless to say, Christmas feels like it hasn't happened yet, it was so bad this year.

Of course I have so much more to say, but I'm not ready to yet.